GOing

because you lied, I have to GO
because you did the unspeakable, I have to GO
because I wasnt enough, I have to GO
because there werent any more excuses, I have to GO
because the past repeated itself, I have to GO
because you dont think enough of me, I have to GO
because you had to have it your way, I have to GO
I hope you realize you made me GO

MRS. Sophisticate

regal you
your presence
your essence
your virtue
so true
I think I loved you
from the moment I saw you
like I knew you
really...it's true
I was drawn to you
like we met before
Beautiful Woman
Motherly
Earthly
free
speaker of your mind
but kind
so giving
living your life
helping me live and fulfill mine
you see in me
what sometimes i do not see
helpful
fruitful
plentiful
wonderful YOU
sometimes I just look at you
and you know
you can read my mind
you see me
and for that...
I thank you
and I love you!

Broken

My heart is fragile so I cant give you my body
Im frail within
Nothing more than this thin outter layer that you see
There is no strength in me
Im longing for what I never had
A father figure
Strong man to make me feel safe
Im so afraid of so many things
but I dont want to be afraid with you
So you can not have my body
Cause with my body comes my heart
and my heart just cant take any more pain
I wont make love to you because
I dont trust you are any different from the rest
that left me here to drown in my own tears
My heart is broken
So you can not have my body

Lovely~Daddy

Open my chest and read my heart
Don't listen to the words I have spoken
As I spoke them out of anger
Don't waste time trying to analyze our past
It is tainted
Tainted by others, tainted by time, tainted by US
Take my heart and read it like a book
Literally take it, out of my chest and hold in your hands
You will feel the true texture, this will alow you to truly understand
Allow the blood to stain you hand the way you have permanently marked my soul
The heart is a strong muscle, as had been and will always be our bond
The vessels you see will be our complicated twists and turns
The arteries, all the people interrupting what we were meant to be
We allowed our defeat, no one else is to blame
We said nothing would ever come between us, but we did not stay true to our words
We vowed to never part, again we failed US
We said we would love forever, that I can say, STILL stands TRUE
I love you today, still, after everything
I love your soul
I love your heart
But for whatever reasons, timing was never right and we weren't meant to be just US
So I can say we tried, more than just a time or two
Maybe we just never tried hard enough
I believe we truly are to blame
But what is the point in pointing fingers
Maybe next lifetime
Because I know that somehow, somewhere, someway...we were meant to be
Im not as comfortable anywhere as I am when I am with you
You have this calming effect over me
We smiled when we were just in each other's company for no reason at all
I remember us being in the same room having the most intimate conversations with no words at all
Just us being...US
I will always be your lovely and you will always be my DADDY
So many words from the mouths of strangers, but no one knows our hearts
Someone or something has always run interference
No one really knows the bond
No one ever took the time or even cared enough to try and understand
But then again, I don't even think we understand
We, Us, You and Me...a great and powerful force
For whatever reason, the powers that, be have spoken
Not US, not this time, not meant to be

Dark to better days.

captivating
she placed her hand on the mic
she had waited for this moment
far back as she could recall

she stood there blinded by the light
both feet firm on the ground
she opened her mouth
oh the glory she delivered

she told of souls broken
hearts unhealed
men who cheated
women with closets full of bones

she was them and they
they were her
she had been a hustler
a thief & a cheater

but her words
they healed
they revealed a better day
a better way

her experience was telling
she was changed
she had found deliverance
from the depths of the words

she spoke harmony into them
she touched them with the flow
she was an addict of abuse
a diciple of deceipt

she thought as they did
she was herself a wolf
never retreating
never giving in

she was complex
a woman til the end
she had been queen and whore
a midguided beast


gentle as a rose
but be weary of her thorns
beautiful yet viscous
tormenting while soothing

she contradicted everything
they thought they knew about her
she...
she was love

she was stillettos with worn out souls
she had walked the block
been around the corner
more than a few times

she was a pimp
even a hoe
she was a genius
yet the dumbest you'd ever met

she coulda been so much more
but instead she was limited
she blocked her self
greatness hadnt become her

she was...
a woman
she was real
she was ME

it was captivating
i placed my hand on the mic
i had waited for this moment
far back as i can recall

i stood there blinded by the light
both feet firm on the ground
i opened my mouth
and the glory was delivered.

Saving Me

touch my heart
place your healing on my soul
chase away my burdened days
fill my mind with memories of hope

give me some love
pure like the rays of the sun
on time like the dawn of day
soothing like a sunset

allow happiness to be permanent
with gracious blessings
disconnect my troubled past
see into my future

keep me uplifted
resurect my heavy
fill me with ease
please. please

save me from myself
come out of our hidden past
directly into our present
and become the future

replace tears of sadness
with those of joy
no longer playing games
this is real and forevermore

Dont Stop

my body is my temple
is it also yours
do you claim to be
in control of all that is me?
the way your hands play lyrics over my lines
you gently write melodic tunes
to my sexual advances
your genius at work
never missing a beat
ohhh that beat
sending me into convulsions
of erotic
thoughts
perverted scenarios
spiritual satisfaction
mental stimulation
reacting & retracting
you're adding your self
while subtracting my day
multiplying the sensation
you divide my legs
it all equals explosive chemistry
deeper than you or me
cause you are so much a part of me
deep inside my soul
beyond anything i can control
there
bare
wearing nothing but transparency
truth be told
your hand to hold
caressing & undressing
nothing else needed
i've begged and pleaded
never leave me here untreated
you know i need it
gotta have it
any which way you serve it
loving your lovin
baby
just keep it coming.

Who Knew...?

i always thought you'd be there
in my heart i knew and still do
that you were the one
does love mean
...we were supposed to be US?

love means when im down
you come to mind first

when i laugh
i look around to see if you're laughing too

when i cry
i wish you were there to hold me
and say
...all will be okay

when im alone
i think of when you were here

when i dream
i dream for us both

when i touch myself
i wish they were your hands
ALWAYS
and yes still

when i leave
i will leave a piece of me
here with YOU

who knew after all this time
i would be in this place...?

THIS HERE?

SEX
PASSION
LUST
WANT
YEARN
NEED
FEEL

EMBRACED
CAPTURED
THIS
...US

SAVE ME

"place your pain in MY hand
leave you worries at the door
hang up your stress
and allow ME to massage away your day
do not be afraid
indulge
do not hestitate
jump
close your eyes
walk out on faith
your strength is within
release and allow yourself to give
...receive
let go of your past
only focus on the future
do not allow what happened
control what is to be
allow your heart to sing its song
its healing
fear will only consume you
you will never be free
leave your troubles here
and take this walk with ME
the possibilities are endless
once you truly give in
you will see all things
come to light"

These are the words I heard
I was no longer in control
I rose to my feet and placed both hands in the air
I closed my eyes
and the tears began to fall
It was a long journey
one I will not soon forget
one foot in front of the other
I took the walk
with every step
the past was left behind
when I reached the alter
I dropped to my knees
I confessed my sins
asked for forgiveness
then I forgave myself
That was the day
...the day I was saved

LOST

when you left
you took my
last breath
i was
frozen in time
waiting on...
your return
the day you left
i was
empty
withdrawn
felt like
there were 100 bricks
on my chest
like I had jumped
off a building
and I've been
falling
ever since
like i was
drowning
and still
i hold
my breath
like i
had been stabbed
but the suspect
was still
committing the crime


i feel now
like im running out of time
feel like
you need to know
that there will never
be another me
you made
big mistakes
there was never a day
i wasnt down for you
you had it better
than any man
you lost a great thing
lost
remember that word
this will Never happen again

the lost gift

just about a week ago
i was writing of this gift
i found
now sitting here wondering
why you're so low down
cant get passed
the sudden decision
that you made
would have never predicted this
you said you loved me
but you didn't show it
you sang love songs
while we made love
i cant imagine
what goes on in your head
i should have never
allowed you into my bed
you say that time
doesn't keep us apart
but i don't understand
what is in your heart
its seems as though
when you feel love
you run
acting that way
will only lead you astray
my heart breaks
a little more each day
you said you'd be here
and you'd never go away
i was completely full
and here i am
as empty as can be
you said one thing
but continue to do another
words can not express
this slow disintegration
of my heart
i havent been heart broken
in some time now
i dont like the feeling
and this has to be the worst
because you leave without
notice
you just cut all communication
i wont begin to tell you
the things i've contemplated
because you would never
believe me
you are a selfish man
a pitiful man
a dam shame
a waste
i cant believe
this is the man i love
yes still
LOVE
stupid me
I know

trying haiku

Raindrops on a leaf
they roll down ever so slow
wanting to feel love

I get it

I wish you were different
but I can not change you
I wish more for us
but I can not make you
this wont be long
and I wont draw it out
I get it
I only wish you would have
called and told me
I have no ill feeling
just a little confused
it was fun at times
I pray you find
someone willing to accept
the way you choose to love
i obviously...
cant handle it!

this gift...

like two wolves in the desert
howling at the moon
we are drawn by something
so much bigger than us
not negotiated or rehearsed
this is instinct
so natural and unexplainable

there was no preparation
no studying for this test
not easier said than done
this here is a piece of cake
emotional fulfillment
and an explosive attraction
science like
could cause a nuclear reaction

other's stare
attempting to hate
there is no separating this pair
this union is strong
no lying or snitching
no cheating, no bitching
we only cry happy tears
over here
been doing this love thing for years

i am his equal
but he is my king
i walk beside him
but he treats me like his queen
his chocolate complexion
against my caramel tone
his luscious lips
pressed up against mine
cant stay away for too long
he is the sun
that brightens my day
he will always be a part of me
for our entire eternity

i give thanks everyday
for this joy i've found
i pray and ask HIM
to keep you with me always.

today

today i almost cried
almost said regretable words
acted irrationally
second guessed
came to conclusions
today was a wondefully bad day
i let go
i let you take me there
and now
im sitting here
wishing we were US
now
i want to take it back
not because it wasnt good
because im scared you'll run
again
i gave you me
even though you told me
this time its for real
that doesnt change
the fact
that im afraid
pertrified
feels like
im losing my mind
i've never felt this feeling
this tuggin at my soul
to be near another being
the energy
the gravitational attraction
causes my reaction
stumbling on my own two feet
i cant believe
today
i almost cried

sick and tired

with you whats the point?
why do i come to look for you?
you never reciprocate
never give what you take
it all feels one sided
lopsided
I'm no longer motivated by you
no longer drawn to you
not inspired
just tired
of playing games
and placing blame
what do you want from me?
there is nothing left for me to pull from
I'm done
you're weak and misleading
deceitful and conniving
i cant and i wont
you say one thing
but do another
don't want romance
just another lover
you leave me feeling empty and used
truly abused
its mostly my fault
for wanting your attention
the slightest bit of affection
maybe one day
i will wake up and say
enough is enough
no more will you prey
on my forgiving soul
its sad to express
but emotions i suppress
just to hide them from your ways
for possible better days

BLAH

no motivation
just contemplation and frustration
bored
feeling ignored
no passions
nothing lasting
no sustenance or substance


mundane
complacent
stuck in a rut
really and trully
not giving a f*ck
just going through life
not stopping to see
all of the things
that were placed here for me
cant find the encouragement
especially in me
stuck here and now
not how its supposed to be


bland
no spice in life
monotonous and routine
obscene to say the least
a sad lonely place
i find myself there
no one & nothing anywhere
this is my life
and its
...BLAH

missing

after all this time
i find myself sitting here
thinking of you
wondering what could have been
would have been
should have been
it was probably for the better
but nevertheless
i sit here thinking of you
the way we would sneak off
just to be held
just to play
just to lay
missing your voice
but knowing you made the right choice
i wonder if ever
we will find ourselves together
i miss my friend
i miss my lover

his temptation

there will never be
another you
no one will fulfill the need
i have for you
no one will ever measure up
no one will compare

you have made your mark on my heart
and even if i never hear your voice
if you never speak my name
if i never feel your soft caress
ever again
just know that you have changed me
made me a better being
i am more because of you
i am a better me

you should know that you are
inspiration
and
motivation
i hope to always be
your temptation

FULFILLMENT

he asked me to stand still
close my eyes
as he stood behind me
he gently kissed my neck
ran his finger tips down my back
i tried to act like i was not affected
yeah...that did not last long
he nibbled on my ear
this encounter could not be wrong
placed his hand around my neck
squeezed ever so gently
he turned me around and our lips met for the first time
like they had met before
simultaneous responses
he slowly lifted my black tank over my head
slid bra straps off my shoulders
he looked at me and saw me
he wanted to please me
he needed me there to show him
he deserves so much more
than what he is used to
he layed me down on the bed
and turned up the heat
he looked into my soul
he pressed his love against me
he told me not to move
while he stood there and just stared
he told me how much
he liked the curl in my hair
he ran his hands through it
pulled on a lock or two
by them i was moaning
ah uh ohhhhh oooohhhh
i tried to please him relentlessly
but he did not allow...hesitantly
he pulled down the Vicky's
looked at my bare essence
he placed his hands in mine
i knew it was time for his lessons
i gyrated my hips
licked my lips
swayed to and fro
i just took control
until...
i hit the right spot
it slowly glided him
to my entrance
moisture invited him in
no resistance
he tried to be gentle
but the pleasure excited him
he could not control the momentum
he was surprised that all of him
was in all of me
it was pleasurable
pressure
pain that hurts so good
would have stayed all day if i could

MISS YOU

i miss your hugs and kisses
your smiles and laughs
your silly ways
your selfishness
i miss you calling my name
i miss catering to you
i miss all the things about you
that make you..you
i miss you waking me up in the morning
i miss your sloppy ways
i miss our meals together
i miss our togetherness
i love you more
than even i could have imagined

MOMMY misses you babies
i will see you soon!

EYES WIDE OPEN

it was about me
being able to deal with me
i loved one, but he couldn't be mine
then there was the poet
but he was too occupied
with relocating his family
after him was the liar
who also wrote, but of nonsense
but when i stopped and looked around
it was me
it had been me
i had blamed them all for my decisions
had taken the position of the victim
but it wasn't until i decided
that i was worthy
that i was better
that i was more
it was then the i knew
they didn't use me
i used them
i needed them
to show me the light
to allow me to open my eyes
and truly see
i needed them to help me see me
i love me
am in love with me
still working on me
but I'm a great ME!

no regrets...life lessons make me who i am
and i am eminence

JUMPING AND RECOVERING

he asked me to stand on the ledge of life
and let go
he asked me to close my eyes and open my heart
i took a deep breathe and exhaled
i
i
i stepped back
i couldnt do it
i was scared and ashamed
ashamed of my fear
i had done this before
why the nerves now?
he assurred me he would catch me
he told me i should not be concerned with parachutes
he swore he had given me the wings to fly
i tip toed back to the edge
i was up so high
i didnt know whether to turn around and run
or just leap
in an attempt to gather my thoughts
i replayed past experiences
yes i had been here before
i remembered the sensation of the wind in my hair
i recalled how free i had felt in the past

before i knew it
i just let go
i allowed all of the inhibitions to leave me
it was just me and gravity
we seemed to be working together at first
i could feel my emotions embracing my decision
for once my mind and heart agreed
i had lept
i had let go

but low and behold...
i was awakened by this pain deep inside
i did not know what had happened
all i could recall was looking over the edge of this cliff
lost and confused
i was wounded and displaced
couldnt pull myself off the pavement
there was blood everywhere
there was no sign of you anywhere
my worst fear had become reality
you just left me there alone to die
you had coaxed me to the edge
pushed me over the side
you placed weights in my pack instead of a chute
i had to lick my own wounds
mend my broken soul
could not believe i had given you total control
i am disappointed in you
deeply upset
no longer filled with hope
but i wont call it regret
i could never explain
the pain that i felt
looking up from the ground
knowing what you had done
i couldnt understand
nor do i now
why you left me there
alone to die
from the inside out

CHOICES...

i do not have one to make
its never been about a choice
its been you all along
the one who makes me tingle
from miles away
the one whose words
take me to another time and place
the one who touched my soul
even though he has gone away
he continues to touch me everyday
I want to share "American Pie" with you
and show you that it can be love
dont believe for one moment it was anyone
but you...
i was created in his image
in your image
you are my reflection
my direction
and there was never a choice to be made
it has always been you

Comfort

so comfortable in his presence
as if we had met here before
as if
we were here before
his spirit was inviting
his being
took control of my
being
i was comfortable in his presence
we were connected
in ways
more than one
it was his smile
his intellect
his lyrical gift
his eyes
his availability
his strength
his perseverance
coupled with
attitude
confidence
prestige
he was distinguished
handsome
and i was comfortable in his presence
as if we had spend past lives together
as if we were meant to be forever
strange as it may seem
it was never that for me
he was so patient with my heart
took his time with me
he never took me for granted
eternally grateful
i was
i was comfortable in his presence
...on our first encounter

HE RUNS THROUGH ME

he said if it flows let it flow
but if it dont then let it go
he said if its started then dont stop
he said his strengths
should compliment my weaknesses
asked me to close my eyes and jump
so here i stand atop this cliff with everything on the line
i take one step forward and im scared
trembling
confused
confliction runs through me
i contradict myself

i feel him in me
his energy running wild through me
touching me with his presence
his essense
teaching life lessons
making wonderous paths of courage explode
taking control
playing the role of master in charge
its a feeling so extremely large

for this grand audience of one
the intensity
chemistry and energy
run deep within me
i feel him when he is not near
and i hear him just as clear
he sees me nude
without judgement
even through the chaos of the day
he allows me to find my way
straight to that place that he has created for me

its about this passion
the ability to delve into my soul
show my inner being
my emotion is too much to contain
he allows it to flow
excites my pen to write of dreams
aspirations
being a better me
allowing me to see
and believe
making sure tomorrow is better than today
but being certain today i give more than yesterday
he IS inspiration
he IS dedication
he IS strength and admiration
he IS the foundation

he runs through me
as if his energy and mine were one
not making me
but exposing my inner most being
he has shown me how to be
the woman of my dreams
...he runs through me

~tempting~

this pleasure
is my pleasure
his arms around my waist
he licks his lips before he takes me
then whispers love into my ear
so sincere, he takes me there
my inspiration
my sweet temptation
his subtle notion
his committed devotion
he takes pride and time
pleasing every inch of my mind
his eyes wander over me
like i am art created for he
more than lust and passion
we have a stronger reaction
this connection unbroken
it is love and it is unspoken
my body trembles at the thought
giving into urges i previously fought
he is my king - my salvation
i am his queen - his temptation

I DONT WANT...

i dont want to make love
unless we're making love

i dont want to learn
if im not learning from you

i dont want to see
unless i can see you

i dont want to feel
unless i can feel you

i dont want to give
unless im giving to you

i dont want to live
unless im living with you

i dont want to care
unless im caring for you

i dont want to miss you
...
so please never leave

I'VE BEEN FOUND

I prayed for you
asked that higher power for you
described you
wanted you
waited for you
It seems as though the creator was still working
on you
for me

Our first conversation made it clear
Our first encounter sealed the deal
Our first kiss was magic
filled with passion
Our souls collide and mesh
They engulf and press
The energy flows
The feelings grow

Now...
I plan for us
See the future of us
Cant wait to become US

Where you are

that is where i wanna be
missing you missing me
love hasnt gone
still remains
its strong
it remained the same
you still got love for me?
wont be mad if its gone
been through alot
the road was long
still missing you
wont tell you though
but somehow
i know
that you know

circumstance got in the way
of the love we made
a lil more each day
i miss you with all my soul
hoping one day
we find ourselves back in control
in that familiar place
loving you more each day
missing you
loving me
showing me
teaching me

one day i hope to find myself...
where you are

Vicious Cycle

it was never physical
it was never about
running home at lunch
to please you
not about making you climax
with that little thing I do

it was you
it was me
it was us
exposed
it was pure
so pure and real
surreal
for real

i miss the soft
gentle caress
of your hands
i miss the comfort
i felt in your arms
i miss laying there
breathing heavily
sweating
heart racing
after climaxing
just looking at you
thinking
~dam that was great

the thing is
after the climax
after the heart
pounding
blood
racing
after all
was said and done
it was
like clockwork
you
excused yourself
cleaned up
said bitter sweet
goodbyes
you
walked out my door
racing home
to play
house

now, i miss you
but i don't miss that
so when you
think of me
replay the memories
great times
we had
don't feel sad
just know
that this is not
what I wanted
but what had to be
I love you
just couldn't
keep pretending that was ME!

No need to be jealous

I saw it on your face
but baby I belong to you
I saw you cut your eyes
my love devoted only for you
I am here
not going anywhere
you know Im here
my love belongs to you

there is no one
not anything
that could change the way
I feel
I was created for you
dont you see the way
I treat you
when its just the two of us here
dont you know how much
I've wanted
to be the one for you
I waited my turn
and its finally time
to show you
how a woman is supposed
to treat her man

so dont think for one moment
that I have other intentions
I am here for you
I love you baby
never will I be untrue
I will love and cherish you
til the end of my days
baby I love you
and that will
never change
this love is for
...always!

Your offering

i come to this place often
to see if you
have left an offering for me

it pleasures my soul
to know
that we have this place
aside from differences
i come and find pieces of you
here...
it makes my heart smile
places contentness in my soul
knowing you offer yourself
for me to indulge
knowing we should have been better
than this
what we've become
knowing
i wanted more
than what we've become
there were no rules
no judges to decide
like you said before
at least we enjoyed the ride
i just wanted to thank you
for the offering you bring
i will come to collect it
i pray i never reach here
only to find there is nothing

Wish I knew

and so
I
sit here with thoughts of us
I
can not understand
I
dont know if you loved me
I dont know...

I dont know if it was love
or just you making me think it was
-love
I dont know
if you loved me...
that is a f*cked up feeling
I must say
I dont know
I want it to be
that you loved me
I want to say
it all went down that way
I want to think
that you really did
love ME
but the truth is
I dont know.
I dont know
if you were just using me
to pass your time
or if you thought of me
really thought of me
i know what you said
but dont think you ever had
any true feelings
but...
I dont know
dam
I dont know
if the baby is yours
I dont know
if you really dislike her as much as you said
I dont know
if you really loved me
as much as I wanted you to
I dont know
and
not knowing
is a beast
I wish I knew

NOTHING TO OFFER

there is no fight in you
i mean you dont fight for me
to keep me around
you dont tell me to stay
you allowed walking away
but i know why you dont
why you wont
its because you have no grounds
nothing to offer
if i came back
-what would change?
not a thing
if i came back
you would not:
spend the night
hold me tight in the morning's light
be there always and never let go
you could not
so that is why
you say no words
use no verbs
maintain your place
no pleading the case
that is the reason
i said goodbye
GOODBYE

MISSING

not sure if i miss you
or the thought of you
maybe the soft caress of your hands on my body
slowly touching all the intimate places
maybe the soft way you kissed me
until you knew i wanted more intensity
fighting myself daily
wondering if i should call
knowing i dont need to go there
thought i saw your car today
around my way
thought of you being there with me
missing you
maybe i miss you
maybe its just the thought of you
dam this sucks
i will continue to fight
thoughts of you
but i do
miss you

Only for you

got myself a pedicure today
picked up some new pumps today
went by Vicky's
picked out a lil BLACK LACE something today
got my hair done today
i
knew
you
would
come
by
today
when you walked in the door
i lay there on the couch
with black lace and black pumps
tempted you with my new coat of paint
you just smiled
there was nothing left to say
you walked toward me
kissing gently
my neck
my cheek
i just smiled
there was nothing left to say
this was your night
i got up and sat you down
took the bag from your hands
placed the HENNY on the counter
but the strawberries
the whipped cream
those i left out
tonight was your night
we can go in the room later
but i cant wait
i need you now
i've waited all day
as i unzipped your pants
my hands cant get them down fast enough
trying to hurry without being rough
cant wait to place my lips on your love
you have no idea how much i love
IT!
see
what you dont know
is that i love to make you feel good
would do it all day if i could
allowing you to feel the moist embrace
as i slide from the tip to the base
nippling ever so softly right under the rim
licking you from the bottom to the top
making you moan
groan
you place your hand on the back of my head
pulling my locks with each stroke
this is my pleasure
no need for thank you's
i enjoy pleasing and teasing you
any way you want it
your wish is my command
how ever do you want it?
just take me by the hand

Enough

i asked to be in your presence
i asked for your company
i knew you could not get away
i knew you would not make the decision and choose me
i knew that you were busy doing the things
that a spouse does
i knew
i just missed you
i needed you here if only to hold me
for a while
i asked that you choose me
for once
make a decision to be in the arms of me
the one who appreciated you
the one who pleased you
who embraced your creativity
who made you smile
i asked
and you laughed
as if to say
"you know i cant do that"
and that is when i realized
i dont belong here
i dont have you
i had a false image of what i wanted us to be
i had thoughts of what i needed us to be
i wanted and needed for me
a companion
and you...
you were not
and would never be
you told me yourself
remember that day you were being truthful...?
remember how you said you would never choose me
you had to stay
stuck in that place
in that place that held you there
there was never future plans for US
never gonna be an US
so once reality set in
i decided
enough is enough

coming to realize

now i know that you lied
i know that when you said it was bad
it wasn't
when you said she didnt matter
she did
when you said you weren't happy
you were
when you said you had settled
you hadn't
when you said you loved me
you didn't
when you said it would never change
that was the only time you were honest

Just needed to be said...

As time passed I grew closer to you
I wanted you more and more
needed you in my life
felt that I could not be
without you
But then one day I woke up
I realized that it was more than you
it was me
I needed someone to make me
feel like more of a woman
but in doing that
I degraded me
I used you
it was never about us
it was me needing to be
reassured
but times have changed my friend
and I am great
I have realized that I am worthy
I am blessed
I am inspiration
I am changed
I am
knowing that I used you
to get here
makes me feel like I owe you
at least a few words of explanation
you were there when no one else was
for that I THANK YOU!
Im good now though
I am a big girl
walking on my own two
loving this life
loving ME
thanks and I apologize
for any pain that was caused
I'm on my way now
so happy now
getting better
day after day
healing from the inside out
loving this life
and I thank you

Transformation

real thoughts
in this real mind
real feelings
in this place in time
my heart in my hands
this world
my plan
moving forward
at my pace
no longer the rat race
i have evolved
from then to now
changed my course now
positive thoughts
dreams come true
i will see it through
fortune and fame
i was destined for it
making a way
and sure of it
smiling
head held high
staying the course
pushing on through
doing what it is
i gotta do
i am in charge
i determine the fate
i will maintain
keeping my faith
loving this life
living it to the fullest
making a way
no more excuses
one foot down
in front of the other
one step at a time
leading the way
with just today
one day at a time
nothing more powerful
than my mind
me and myself
making through
focused and determined
for all my dreams to come true

Disconnecting

he wanted to walk away
he knew that she was wrong
for him...
she was kept
he wanted to say goodbye
but he did not want to be a hypocrite
he did not want for things to be where they had been
he wanted to walk away
be confident enough to walk
and stay away
but he loved this woman
he loved her for her companionship
her words
her patience
she was not a bad person
she was a great mother
a good friend
she was just bad for him
he needed to be alone
for once in his life
needed to be happy in himself
he needed to feel good about him
he loved this woman
loved to please this woman
but did not want to be defined by this woman
as it had happened so many times before
that he had found himself with his brother's
woman
someones woman
he needed to let go
but didn't know how to let go
couldn't walk away
didn't know how to walk away
wanted to walk away
couldn't find the strength to walk away
knowing in his heart it was just a matter of time
until
...he would muster up the nerve to finally
WALK AWAY AND NEVER RETURN

the artist

torn between love and passion
not expecting any reaction
a man addicted to the love
and the lack there of...

addicted to streets and money
fast cars and honeys
drugs and rhymes
ecstasy and cocaine lines
stood in forums
they yelled his name out loud,
oh so proud
he created the crowd
clean and dapper
prim and proper
but addicted to the game
it added to his pain
forced his way into a life full of luxury
fantasy
distance
resistance
however
his pain never came from lies
so much at times he would cry
ruthless truth
nevertheless this was his truth
he just needed to be accepted
tired of years of being rejected
he needed to be viewed as a man of worth
nothing more than a man first
he was the artist
they called him GLORY
told his story
spoke highly of him
did NOT judge him
but he JUDGED himself
never cared for the wealth
he lived for the fame
as long as they all knew his name
he was truly an artist
addicted to the crowd
hearing his name yelled out loud
streets and money
fast cars and honeys
drugs and rhymes
ecstacy and cocaine lines
he was the artist

...and he was an addict

RESPONDING

we weren't promised forever
but we took our chances
we weren't given romance
only sexual advances
i wanted more
than you could give
but learned to live
forget and forgive
we were given time
for spending
wounds mending
created by circumstance
maybe by chance
or lack there of
we weren't above
or beyond just us
there was plenty of lust
no time for trust
plenty of doubt
still
we could not live without
like a morning prayer
i needed you to be there
this is just a response
letting you know i hear you
when no one else can
....i do
and i WILL
i'm not going
even if lust is forfeited
love will be left
that is my commitment

This Morning

she had come to realize that
hoping and wishing
praying and crying
wanting and needing
wasnt enough
she knew she could not
bare or dare
to continue torturing herself
compromising her health
stressed and depressed
she held on tight
to the hope that he might
be free one day
say goodbye to his life
say goodbye to his wife
she wanted this man
he was a kept man
she loved this man
could not live without this man
she was torn
thinking of the unborn
but the feeling was gone
she woke up this morning
realizing that she was free
she had finally
torn herself from the thought
of being held down
captured in rapture
she was a new HER
she was a new SHE
she was FREE
she never thought it could be
that she would be free
but this morning
the weight was lifted
and she was a free spirit
she stood up on her bed
and yelled it out loud
FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST...
THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM FREE AT LAST

Thank you

a mistake?
i think not
this force came to her with a plan
given to her by this man
it was beauty in its more glorious form
a smile that could light up the room
healing wounded hearts
you showed her the way
took her from rags to richness
she changed because of you
she was better because of you
she is here now because of you
she has survived because of you

she had pursued a life
of heartache and pain
never knew love existed this way
she was harse and tainted
you were perfect
...painless
what she needed
she saw in you that love can grow
to show
more than regret
she knew all along
you could have never been wrong
you changed her ways
creating hope for her days
those to come
and those that had passed
were just that...
the past
she had no regrets
she looked on and pursued
no longer subdued
she had hope for the future
you were her future

MIA querida
you save her life
changed her ways
created hopeful days
never a mistake
you were prepare for greatness
MIA saved her...
the person i used to be
i will be forever grateful
......eternally

WORDS

so words are just letters
grouped together
to form our thoughts
our feelings
but your words
oh your words
they take me to places
where my heart races
and with them i can go anywhere
hoping you are there
even far and beyond
when i am weak they make me strong
your words do things to my being
i LOVE your words
even more that just you
or just US
those words
they are placed side by side
together
they form these patterns
that paint pictures
like scriptures
from YOUR good book
i come here to find
everyday
everytime
more words to inhale
take in
they win
me over
each time
more intense than the last
its just that
i dread the day
you take your words away
and leave me here
with no words to help me endure
i need words
not just any words
your words

HE SAW HER

she had never seen his face or spoken his name
she didnt even know the color of his eyes
but he saw her
he felt her pains
and knew her aches
but had never reached out to touch her
he had comforted her
but never actually placed his arms around her
he had been this voice of reason
this bit of hope
she looked up to him
but never contemplated whether he was taller than her
she had smiled thinking of him
but in her dreams
he had no features
he knew of her value
he spoke highly of her character
but she had never heard his voice
he was this statue of strength
these words of wisdom
he praised her
when she did not feel worthy of praise
he made her feel like she could
made her think it'd get better
he was the epitome of a MAN
she wanted him in every other she met
she compared the rest to the BEST
but soon she came to realize the mold
had been smashed into a million pieces
she did not expect it
she was just content in the fact
that they
these two souls had crossed
the paths of their lives
she was satisfied just in that alone

he saw her...

TO MY FIRST

so i wanted this to be special
had planned for this as long as i can recall
like voluntary effort
making all the preliminary preperations
couldn't fall victim to doing it incorrectly
read some books
talked with friends
you know to get pointers
like tips and such
wanted to make sure everything was perfect
that which is without flaws
wanted this to be special
it was my first time

I changed clothes a million times
or so it seemed
when you saw me
i wanted you to think to yourself
this is the most beautiful woman
and i love her
i respect her
i knew you had been waiting
patiently
hoping to finally get the chance
to be in my arms
wrapped in my embrace
i walked into the room
there you were
i was nervous
scared
for you and for me
the mood was quite and still
mute and motionless
i felt like perfection for the first time
when you looked up in my direction
i knew this was the purest
most perfect love ever

see i had made my mistakes
but you were so precisely planned
so perfectly prepared
like the ALMIGHTY himself
had taken extra time
to chisel you by hand
i would have the opportunity
to do things right this time
my child's child
i had been so afraid of failure
as a parent
but with you
it was different
i knew i could do no wrong
by you
as you were perfection
my first grandson

Confession's of a woman scorned...

there was this man and he was my everything
he made me feel like a princess
i was his queen
he said things to me that no man had said to me before
he was all my heart desired
all my soul had prayed for
he was my everything
until that day...


there was this pain in me that ripped through my being
it felt like a razor pierced my chest and pulled out my heart
i was numb for the first few seconds, then i just felt this rush of heat
i looked at the phone as if i could see through it
i was holding it away from my ear as if i did not understand the words coming through the reciever
you must have the wrong number i thought to myself
she must have the wrong number
it was a woman, or so she called herself
she was telling me things about this man i loved
i know they are not true
because this is my man
my life
my "til death do us part"
she could not know MY man the way she said she KNEW
my MAN
i fell to the floor
replaying the past years of our lives
asking myself, where did i go wrong
what could i have done better
how could he do this to OUR family
and HER
she was so nonchalant about the entire ordeal
saying how this wasnt SUPPOSED to happen
and how it was a mistake
HOW do you mistakenly take my life away as if it were a game
how do you sleep at night
knowing you have destroyed a family
she said she just needed someone for comfort
she said she had been lonely for so long
she said all these things, but in my head all i heard was
i didnt even consider you, you didnt mean anything to me
and i dont care that i destroyed your life and family
i was at a loss for words until he walked in the door
and i felt all the words rush to my mouth as if they were fighting each other
to be the first to get out
but all i heard myself say was..
I love you
I mean one might think that weak, but
I loved...
I love this man
he makes me feel like a princess
i am his queen
he says things to me that no man has said before
he is all my heart desires
all my heart prays for
he is my everything
life is what you pray for
love is what you stay for

Truthfully...? A mistress' confession

why do women get mad when another woman gives their man attention?
it's not like there are enough men to go around
you always here them say "get you own man"
but it's not that i really want to be with this man that has to leave at midnight
it's not that i'm proud to be the one that makes him feel good in the darkness
but cant be seen with him in the light
the thing is that im lonely
i want my own
but in the meantime
i need someone to hold me at night too
i need to feel the comfort of someone there for me
half the time the sex is not even the issue
its the fact that this man, your man
he listens to me and gives advice
he hears me
he holds me when i have troubles
he lets me lean on him
and guess what
there are things that he does not feel comfortable telling you
he tells them to me
and i dont judge him
i dont hate him for having erotic thoughts
i embrace it
i love it
i love him
it was never meant to hurt you
it was never meant to degrade you
i was just in a place at that time and i needed someone
he was there for me
and so i was there for him
we fell in love by accident
and yes it was and still is LOVE
you think its about me disrespecting you
its not...and that's the truth
its about not spending time alone
its about not hurting all the time
i know he is never leaving you
and i never want him too
im just filling this void until someone else
comes in to fill it for me...
yeah it sucks, but you asked for the truth.

I saw love

at a glance
he stared at her from across the room
it was then she knew
they would see each other
really...
SEE
each other
she knew there was something in him
that drew her near
but she could not put her finger on it
...
as if her finger could even graze the surface
that was him
she SAW him
but all she saw was him
and in him there was this light
they never tried to avoid it
as that was not to become them
they would be them
her and he became...WE

time passed as it tends to do
they grew together and apart
but not apart from each other
just in their own ways
he loved her essence
she loved his manner
he loved her being
she loved his strength

to me it seemed odd
they would end up this way
loving for life
giving of themselves for the other to embrace
but this was there destiny
mates of the soul
there was never any anger
or hurtful, sinful ways
just love
for all of their days

i treasure this thing they found
well, to me, it seemed stumbled upon
they rejoiced in each other
for each other
like there was no tomorrow
they lived for today
as if tomorrow didnt matter
they made the best of today
for them that was all they needed
for each other
they loved each other

... and in them
i saw love

I CANT BE ME

i cant be me
without you
i am a strong woman
but without you
i am just her
that girl
i am not the star
that i've been known to be
when i reflect the light
that you give to me
i need you beside me
for guidance
not to direct me
but to lead me
show me
teach me
hold me
i am not me
without you
you dont complete me
as i came to you complete
but you
just allow me to shine
free
and be me
i can not be ME
without YOU

Please stay..?!?!?!

one morning when i awoke
you were there
i glanced at you while you slept
you had found comfort
in a very strange place
you were resting
so peacefully

i whispered in your ear
and asked you to stay
but you were resting
i wanted you to know
that i never wanted you to go
but in my heart i knew
that was not possible
i wanted you to stay
in your comfortable place
i need you to know
that you could never go
i needed you to stay
if just for one more day
i
just needed
for you
to stay

HE DOES NOT KNOW

he walks alone
all the way home
he does not see her
sitting there
he is not aware
of the presence
her eager presence
she loves him
from afar
but he knows not
that she wants
for them
she looks for him
when he is not there
we he comes by
she hides
but in her heart
she wants him
she needs him
to love her
hold her
shape and mold her
but he is not there
she is suffering
crying
dying
inside she is whining
all she ever wanted was him
for him
and them
she loves him and wants him
because he is her king

for love

days i walked
talked
yelled
was compelled
i missed you
i still miss you
cant be without you
dont want to
be without you
i love you
lust for you
adore you
want more for you
i love you
i want you
with me
so you can see
that you can be
my king
i dont need a ring
i want to move forward
towards you
reward you
for being you
im sick
with this pain
this strain
i want for us
more than lust
i want for our love

FACING THE MUSIC

its like still
you only think of you
like nothing else matters
except the pain you go through

we all have pain
we all have hurts
why do you think
yours is the worst?

cant you see
that life goes on
when you are weak
you still need to be strong

how do i say this
do i watch my words
its like these days
your all sensitive & reserved

i used to be able
to say what i meant
we used to be able
to talk and to vent

but now a days
as your world is chaotic
you walk around
and every fight you pick

i wont chase you
or ask you anymore
i am done
fighting this war

just know in your heart
that your time will be here
when you will sit down
to face your biggest fear

i dont degrade you
nor do i place blame
but you should know
that it all sounds the same

hopefully you will see
this is not to hurt you
just needed to know
your actions are hurtful

hopefully you take this
as food for thought
this is not an attack
just food for you thoughts...

i miss you

you i miss
i know i told you
to leave me alone
but i didnt mean it
i was just angry
cause you dont
give me
the attention
i crave
i saved for you
myself
and i waited
but like i said
you never showed up
i was so stuck
on the reality
that is us
that i let you
turn and walk away
i was sad
but it needed to be
cause there was
no WE
just you and her
so i ran you off
and never wanted
to look back
emotions i lacked
but know
that NOW
i miss you
i miss us
the naps
where we just layed
the times when we just played
i miss you baby
and i know you're not mine
but nevertheless
i miss my friend.

SO OVER YOU

so in your head
i'm still chasing
and wasting
my time
with your
line after line
ha ha ha
i laugh
at the thought
you think that i
am stuck on you
your a joke
im so done
i play with you
when there's nothing
else to do
i dont care
so beware
dont involve
your feelings
or your thoughts
or cares
cause me
i dont
i just pass
the time
when your there
it is wut it is
when your gone
outta sight
outta mind
i wish you knew
im so over you
but you think
everything is about you
at that i laugh
cause me...?
im over you
never turning back
cause i know
you are a lost cause
i have better things to do
and they dont include you
so just know
im over you
because of you
never again
~me and you
cause we are through

IN HARMS WAY

i look at you
wishing
praying for you
this day
with head in hand
bowing down
i ask for you
that harm
not come to you
or for you
because who you are
where you come from
makes you that object
some may forget
but i see
day after day
the way of the world today
i must protect you
my son
from life itself
i know that one day
you will become
a man...our KING
a glorious being
you will return the favor
of protection
but today
i must heed the call
for you and all
my brothers
my son
my nephews
as you are my heart
from you 'I' was born
i couldnt stand
to see us
torn apart
so i protect you
try to teach
but not preach
to you
to give life lessons
those of oppression
but these times
are hard
life is cold
so for you
i pray
that GOD
keeps you
out of harm's way

didnt mean to let go

i knew
from the initial contact
this was no more
than lust
at its worst
but me
i had a grip
i was in control
of myself
i knew i had been
in this similar place before
but this time
i was in control
when he touched me
with his hands trembling
i knew i was in control
as he kissed my neck
my ears
i felt this urge
to allow him to take me
have his way
with me
but i was in control
he looked in me
not at me
he found those pains
made them pleasures
he touched the aches
made them treasures
caressed my burden
with a lyric so pure
from his inner most emotion
his blood raced
as my heart beat patterns
across his
but i was in control
it was lustful
but meaningful
wild
but sensitive
my body said let go
but the mind
tried to keep
that control
then it happened
i lost my mind
my heart
my emotion
my destination
had been touched
reached
i let go
i lost control
i let it be
more than we
more than us
no longer lust
but that feeling
that i cant be
without you near me
i cant see
life without you
this feels true
there was love
i lost control

i waited

i waited for you to rescue me
from myself
from the me that keeps me from you
i waited for you to see
that deep in me
there is a girl
that just loves you
for you
cause you
make me...ME
i waited for you to call
to tell me
it was ok to be...ME
i waited for you to say
all was ok
and that this day
was just a day
of misunderstood words
and conflicting verbs
i wanted you to be there
when i arrived there
telling me "NO
dont go
stay...
dont walk away"
but there was no YOU
there was nothing
just me
and the emotions
that tell me
you are not for me
but in me
there is a voice
telling me
not to make a choice
to continue to allow love
for love
with love
i know this is conflicting
but my heart is so
you give me reason
purpose and hope
strength and will
but you werent there to say
stay
you didnt come
to hold my heart
you didnt call
to comfort my soul
you let me walk away
yet again
i never knew
love allowed letting go
letting be
letting leave
i never knew
until i waited
and you didnt show

YOUR EPIPHANY

so today you decided you'd tell me
so today you thought it would matter
so today you felt compelled to share this
so today you thought exactly what?
what does it mean when you say the words?
what does it change when you say the words?
what was accomplished by saying the words?
what are you expecting by saying the words?
i wanted this from you, but not like this
i wanted this for us, but not like this
i wanted this for me, but not like this
i wanted this before, but its too late
do i feel the same way? maybe i do
do i want you? maybe i do
do i wish things were different? of course i do
do i wanna tell you wife? dont worry i wont

listen carefully...
dont say you love me if you cant show you love ME

YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING

It took along time for me to come up with something to say to you that would stay with you always.
All I could think was you are my everything.
It sounded so corny at first and I didnt know if it would work,
but all I could think was you are my everything.
I wanted to dig deep within my soul and find something great to say,
but all I came up with is you are my everything.
I wanted to go through the memories of when i was young,
how you protected me and taught me morals and values.
I wanted to think of all the times you were both mom and dad.
I wanted to go through all the long hard hours you worked so I could have the finest things,
I wanted to pull from my past and our hard times together just you and me.
I wanted to find pictures of us smiling together,
I wanted to say things that made you know i thought this out.
All i could come up with is you are my everything.
Here today I give my everything to another.
I give you (eli) my mother's hand and her heart,
but she does not come alone. see, she comes with baggage.
When you receive her, receive us...she is my everything and today I give her hand to you,
hoping she is your everything too.

You made the wrong call

you calling me trippin and asking questions?
call him for some direction
why you mad at me what did i do?
u need answers, turn to your dude
he is the one that owes you an explanation
not me, we aint no relation
ask him y he rather be with me
ask him how comfortable he be
i havent done anything for u to be whiling
i could have so dont take this kindly
i can act a fool but u really wont like it
i thought you had a better head on ur shoulders chick
after all this time i thought we were past this
i guess u were just a low self esteem type bitch
dont ask me where, when, and how
confront ur MAN, why he aint been around
i dont want him, not ever, then or now
u keep testing me and i'll give it to him any how
just to prove a point and say i did
i will give him wut he wants and do it real good
so stop yelling and screaming at me with that mess
turn around look him in the eye and ask ur question
WHY DO U RUN TO HER, WHILE I SIT HERE ALONE?
you will just confirm he aint shit...just a dog with a bone

he is a coward

with a decision to be made
how does one choose?
one gives him this
and the other that
he feels like making a decision
-will make him less of a man
or more of a coward
i mean the boys thinks he's the shit
and well so does he
but taking everything for what it is
she is a home body
she cooks and cleans
helps with homework
you know the homemaker type
and then there is her
he views her physically
as flawless, like perfection
the type that keeps him with an erection
she fulfills his wildest desires
makes him weak
and is like one of his peers
his choices both great
but complicated
does he stay with the woman
that has been through thick and thin
or does he take a chance
with the one that keeps him grinning
this choice has come up many times before
and each time he bowed out
a coward hiding behind street repore.

ripped

he looked into her heart
and saw her pain
he paid attention
washed away her rain

he made it so simple
for her to love again
he was her knight
she was weak for him

they were in love
she had longed for this
they were one
no strings or twists

until that day
that she took his pride
she never knew
it would change their life

she made the decision
not ever believing
from this point on
she would be his demon

she ripped life from him
when she aborted their baby
he tried his best not to
but it literally drove him crazy

my QUIET

a safe haven
that special place
HE has withdrawn
and gone away

that nook no one knew off
that corner i ran to
that shelf i called home
my QUIET is gone

the spot under the stairs
when no one knew i was there
the back porch of my home
my QUIET is gone

without notice or hints
not a word did he say
franticly i find only
confusion and dismay

my QUIET is gone
and i cant find any space
i am dying to find
that QUIET place

disconnected

mystery & fantasy
but most of all secrecy
too much untold
witheld, he would withold
unmentionables too many
far and plenty
she advanced forward
and onward
he retracted back
intentions he lacked
he gave only enough
for her it was enough
to keep her giving
and willing
she was satisfied
still she tried
he was content
with his intent
as only he knew
the truth
behind those mysterious ways
that caused his delays
mystery & fantasy
but most of all secrecy
too much untold
witheld he would withold
unmentionables too many
far and plenty

FRIDAY NIGHT

alone in a dark room
she sat and wondered
could it be?
is it possible?

his words had been painful
they cut like razors
they left scars that bled
his facial expression had been strong
filled with hurtful stares
with every attempt to taunt her
he became more & more enraged
he began to use the past to his advantage
he spoke like she was an animal
like she never mattered
just his thoughts & memories of what was

she tried to understand
she asked herself
what sparked this disgust?
how could the man that loved her
-hate her this much?
had they not come through this?
had they not been better than this?

it was then she realized
he never understood
he was never over this thing
she beat herself up for admitting fault
-to make them stronger

as his hands touched her in anger
as his words continued to pierce her
she looked into his eyes
she realized the man she loved was gone
in his place a monster
an animal in attack mode
she knew then the man she knew before
-was just a memory
she knew...
he was gone forever

alone in a dark room
she sat and wondered
HOW COULD DADDY DO THIS TO HIS GIRL?

before

when you look at me
I feel like a beautiful woman
no tears
no fears
no sorrows
and no worries
just you
just me
just us
you're all man
with you
I smile
I am
I can
together we can conquer the world
alone - two wondering souls
our paths have crossed
more times than we know
not us, just destiny in control
our past holds pain
-but more pleasure
our love is one
-to be kept and treasured

time

memories that tear
& dare to compare
old days
lost ways
our souls
lost control
while we wandered
and wondered
what our futures held
we were compelled
try to spell out our paths
would we last?
or just dwell on the past
memories enriched & strong
for so long
we tried
and cried
between love & lust
we found trust
we lost hope
& still we cope
and strive
just happy to be alive
here us two
all we've come through
joy & pain
we maintain
while delegating our strain
our blood pumps
through us
holds &
molds us
affliction of affection
pure & true connection
can lead us
in the right direction
completely
fully & truly
who? WE
just ...
you & me

letting go

you say you love me
do you really?
will you love enough
to let me go?
you wont chose me
so let me be
you're selfish
you want to have it all
you wont step up
or stand up
so sit back
and take what you are given
you said i made you...
feel good
relax
feel comfortable
be yourself
we can drink & smoke
fuck & joke
laugh & play
cuddle & lay
but somehow
it's not enough
to keep you
here...
or keep you
near...


what goes around
comes back around
karma is a bitch
this is evident
once upon a time
until THE END...
no, not us
not now
or ever
let me go
so i can grow
for the love
or lack there of
but let me go
let me turn
and walk away
or run
until i find
that kind
of love
that love's back
enough to say
yes...you
i choose you
enough to make me
complete

look around
when all is said & done
what do we have?
who are you?
a man
that wont be defined
by a choice
so instead you'll hide
step aside
decide not to choose
so WE lose
you'll never know
if love will grow
you'd rather let go
of us
no trust

did u know?

did u know that sometimes i cry
when i'm alone
and you're busy
being you

did u know that sometimes i cry
when you leave
cause you're late
going home

did you know that sometimes i cry
when i give
your time
to someone else

did you know that sometimes i cry
cause i'd rather be
with you
then with him

did you know that sometimes i cry
when you touch my body
so gently
and pierce my soul
did you know?

a letter to daddy...

i am void of the right words to say
so i will use what i can find
i miss u so fucking much
i hate your guts
i want you around when your not
and i want you to leave my sight
when ur near.
what the fuck am i supposed to do now?
i dont have shit left
you hurt me so fuckin deep
i'm sick of crying
but the tears just keep coming
i want to run away and never see u again
but that is not the rational thing to do
why cant u just be gone
i waited & wanted for us
im am disgusted
im hurt
im angry
im sad
i miss u
i want u
i hate u
i love u
i need u
i need u to leave me alone
i dont know what the fuck i'm doing
what am i saying?
i cant do this
i love u
i love u
i fucking love u
do u know what that means?
do u know what that feels like right now??
do u know how much that hurts?
this is the bullshit
i cant do this shit
i am fucking dying inside
i asked u not to do this to me
u promised not to do this to me

simple choice

in the confines of my mind
with us so far behind
without you
this abuse
there's no wishin or hoping
no touching or groping
there's just that what was
no longer us
no longer me
this is no reality
maybe a past moment
and it passed us by
i said goodbye
i cried
cause again u lied
u refused to choose
u never meant me
u said it could be
u never meant us
it was just the lust
thoughts of u having
what u did not deserve
the lack of courage
u wouldnt stand for us
u stood for lust
u stand for the chance
at a glance
to run & hide
dry your eyes
behind closed doors
in the shadow of our past
ur eyes were sincere
but ur mouth told these lies
i knew all along
but still held on
to what...?
im unsure
i tried to endure
the thought that we
could eventually be
but you would not comply
instead you chose to lie
again, and again
now this is the end
i wont do this again
i can not comprehend
how you can stand before me
looking right at me
and ask...
WHAT AM I TO DO?
my answer is simply...
I want you to choose

distraught & confused
he stares and wonders
what her intentions are
she says nothing
silent
she asks only that he be patient
with their situation
as she is working
working on her
working on him
unbenounced to him
she is working on them

the words escape her
and from her past-
comes light shedding on fear
and dark shattered pieces
of memories
broken and torn
the pages of life that have been uttered
by unspoken words
given only to be taken away
the many masks that are her
she has not emotion
see she lost her emotion
hasnt had that emotion
since he raped her emotion
men are her candy
she has a sweet tooth
from one to the next-
him unto him
them, oh & him
yes for years and for days
she replays
her past
how it tortures her now
she cant rid herself now
dodging daggers now
filled with guilt?
not her
see she learned from mistakes
although that sometimes breaks her
it will never take her
just wait til u finally see her...
see what became of her

DONE

YOU...
I'm finished...
I can't & won't
THE MUTHA FUCKING END

take it down a noch...

For the few of you I have allowed in my space
I am void of inspiration

My mentor (you know who you are) has left the building

If you've come here, you should know that you are VIP 4 real...only da strong

I dont find the words to express the truth right now...maybe in time
but for now I'm gonna take it down a noch...PEACE

a lil thing called LOVE

from the first time I saw you
when I looked into your eyes
I KNEW...
you were the one
I KNEW...
I had to have you
I had to be yours

when you said hello
the sincerity of your voice
the perfection of your smile
you were the most fascinating thing
I'd ever encountered
I was amazed by your character
your grace, your presence
perfection outdone
I was speechless
breathless

your touch had me mezmerized
I was unaware of the quality
I was trapped in your essence
by the soft caress
your soothing embrace
as you loved my body
my mind
but first my soul
you kissed me with
intelligence
your treasures devoted
to me
there was romance
affection and honor
in US
appreciation
worship
while we pleasured
one another
with intimate seduction

promiscuous actions revealed
US
bare,
stripped,
the truth,
unclothed,
BASIC

declaring US
available for all to see
it was just US
we had uncovered
the facts:

we were everlasting
we endured
we overcame
we were persistant
unbreakable
this thing they call love

it became ~US~

~A LOVE STORY~

UNCOVERED IN THE DARKNESS
TEARS OF ACID
BURNING THE FLESH
OFF THE FACE OF INNOCENSE
SLAIN TO LAY IN THE WASTE OF TIME
UNDRESSED
AFTER BEING
FORCED OPEN
STRAINED
UNSPEAKABLE ACTIONS
SILENT TORMENT
LONG CRIES
EYES CONNECTED
BLOOD STAINED
EMOTIONS,
REGRETS,
ANGERED DISTRESS
DISAPPOINTING WORDS
UNSPOKEN
IF LOOKS COULD KILL
AS THEY SOMETIMES
WILL
THE WOMB AND THE SEED
UNITED TO BE SEPERATED
SETIMENTS
UNCONTROLLED WAILING
FROM VIOLENCE
UNNECESSARY
CASUAL AND AVOIDABLE

BUT LOVE SHINED THROUGH
LIKE THE ADORATION
OF TIME
LIKE INSANE DEVOTION
WEAKNESS
AS HE WAS THERE
WHEN ALL ELSE
HAD BEEN TAKEN FROM HER
HE WAS THERE

Voice of Innocence

he fought himself
too wrapped (rapped) up
in the streets
letting the voice of reason
bring him down
never knowing
she truly lived & breathed
for him
he never understood
her actions
but like a child
she was crying out
crying for attention
for companionship

she was looking for
the father
that left her
to drown in her tears
to die in her misery
as she cried:

DADDY
why have you forsaken me?
you left me alone
you led me astray
you lied
cheated
and snatched
the voice of innocense

her soul was empty
her actions unexplained
she used her body
and abused her body
for men
unworthy
undeserving
but most of all
unwilling
to accept her
she longed for acceptance
cried out for acceptance
needed acceptance

but all he saw
was a woman
seducing
abusing
inviting
and enticing
he would look at her
and judge her
he couldn't imagine her
he never looked in her
to unveil
the deformity
of her soul

while all along
there was
silence tormenting
her aching soul
she fought and struggled
to rid herself
of the past
but he was there
to remind her
to hold the broken mirror
for her
so she could see
at every glance
who she truly was
he pointed the finger
laughed out loud
giving guilt
handing her shame
spoon feeding her
the past
day after rainy day
night after pitch black night
never understanding
the girl she was
still crying:

DADDY
why have you forsaken me?
you left me alone
you led me astray
you lied
cheated
and snatched
the voice of innocense

under construction

when u look into my eyes
what do u see?
cause you do not see me
but it's okay cause me
im making changes
changing mindstate
changing values
changing morals

and its funny
how you
no longer compare
and will no longer be here
times are changing
as am I
and you'll be a memory
left behind

i'm on a path
for more in life
there was nothing
but you
now i have nothing
for you
only me
changing
slowly

im going places
making changes
beating these
rat races
headed to the top
cant stop
making a better tomorrow
everything but the sorrow

under construction
rid of the destruction & obstruction
that is you
making changes
for better days
and better ways
positive, motivated
focused, & no longer frustrated

My Puddle

In the darkness of the light
alone
in the shadow
diminished
taken away
not cared for
or about
that's me
forming a puddle

without a voice
innocence taken
without words
pain in the past
pain in the tears
pain in the laughter
staring at
my puddle

broken chains
severed ties
silent screams
still
no voice
no air
to carry sound
pain without agony
drowning
in my puddle

dissappointment in self
ashamed and content
knowing nothing else
ignorant from truth
confused
cast away
set aside
to sit
alone
in the corner
in my puddle

a puddle
of tears
that have proved
nothing
that have solved
nothing
me alone
in my puddle
sorry for me
my own sympathy
PITY
in my puddle

Airing Laundry

you look at me with pain & disgust

you remember when i went out and did my dirt
never wondering were my feelings hurt
you wondered if i thought of you
while jumping from him to him, then back to you

you thought that i was frivalous to spite you
when all along i only wanted you
but i was second on your list of loves
i should be second to no one, i was above

but you were too busy asking how i could do it
never stopping to ask yourself why i did it
you never asked yourself, and you never asked me
cause if you would have, you could've clearly seen

the rules were simple from the start
i was not the ONE that had your heart
you say you knew right from the start
is it my fault you chose to conceal your heart?

you should have said what was on your mind
then i could have given us more time
but like the rules clearly state
"My Main Girl" is off limits all the rest we can rotate

trying so hard to save face at home
you let your supposed "LOVE" get gone...

brown eyes

just our eyes meet
and i dont see any more of you
i just feel lust
and want
and yearn

just our eyes meet
and i dont know your past
or care to know
for that
doesnt matter

just our eyes meet
and i could jump into your arms
take control and let nature
take its course
of course

just our eyes meet
and i can feel my center pulsate
with curiousity
longing for your touch
just you touching me

just our eyes meet
and i cant stand the heat
in this kitchen
and so
i look away and smile inside

...until our eyes meet again

JUST FOR TONIGHT

a quiet room
just you and i
darkness and silence
fill our minds
your eyes & mine
they meet
now it is time
i've waited
now it is time
acting as though
there is no him and no her
we walk closer, embrace, caress
kiss while grasping the moment
holding it tight
never wanting to let go
but knowing this is
just for tonight
just fot today
not to be taken past these four walls
this is our present
not our past
nor our future
just for tonight
to have and have not
to hold and let go
to want and want not
just for tonight
with emotions aside
just lust in our eyes
with warm subtle kisses
long girating thrusts
sweat that is so bitter sweet
no one will know
just you and i
from this night to the grave
our passion disclosed
while we were unclothed
together for one night
just us two
to enjoy the lust
that bound us until now
until tomorrow
when we once again will be
you & her
him & me

denied

when she saw him
she could stop him
and just kiss him
she lusted for him

she could disrespect her
she'd overlook her
pay no mind to her
as if there were no her

she'd caress him
gently bite him
scratch, nibble, and pinch him
just to start with him

she'd blush when she saw him
as she made eye contact with him
just one night embraced in him
being consumed by him

i tried to stop her
i tried to warn her
before she got caught
anyways...
she is not what he sought

for her from me

well ma

i didnt really want him
just needed him
to fulfill me
embrace me
taste me
caress & undress me
bring out the best of me
show me
console me
hold & mold me

yet you felt the pain
of the pressure
but
i never wanted
to hurt you
never thought
he'd desert you
for me
and all i wanted
was the passion
the pleasure
of the pressure
inside me
exploding
within me

never knowing
that you knew
of me
that you hated me
while all along
i just wanted
ectasy
to fulfill
my curiousity
of sharing bodies
with this man
who was your man

well ma

i apologize
for ruining
your lives
with no reprise
unimpressed
and not concerned

that woman

her eyes told me her story
yet, she never said a word
i knew from our initial...
confrontation
that she was one of them
with the sun in her eyes
yet the toll heavy on her soul
with the world in her bosom
and pain too much for even her to bare

a soul misdirected
subjected to being disrespected
such beauty
but not in the eye
of the men that beheld her
she was the moon
that shined in the night
but as falling stars
flew passed her
she grew more vacant
vacant in feeling
vacant in thought
life would pass her by
but still that light in her eyes
showed the hope
that there
may be hope
just maybe

she sang her song
silent but proud
she danced in broken mirrors
and smiled only on the inside
with tears held back
a servant to her past
yet she clenched her future
with both hands
tied behind her back
she pledged to strive on
through life's crusades
make the best of the worst

standards in place
ever growing and still
that WOMAN
strives on
she goes on
until there are no more
roads to travel
backs to rub
children to pacify
friends in need
sons at war
daughters to console
or partners to hold down...
she is a WOMAN

walking alone

what is the answer
how far down must i go
how far down is the bottom
i've heard them say
she'll get up when she hits rock bottom
but how far is rock?
i've heard it must get worse before it gets better
but how much worse?


ones journey through life
is it in vain?
is it in suffering?
why have we been put here to go through the rain?
to go through the struggle
why can a baby come into this world and never know happiness?
who's sick twisted game is this?
how can one go through life and never know love?
how can one go through life living forbidden love?
is love to be forbidden?
oxymoron maybe...

when is the right time?
when is that big game anyway?
does hard work really pay off in the end?
fighting and losing
constantly and endlessly
who has subjected us to this torture
the rules to this life are hateful
vindictive and cruel
many questions with no answers
maybe...just walk, and dont ask why!

Prisoner of time

he stands here
just here
like a piece of the furniture
there's nothing
love? lust? what's that?
it's been so long since...
since anything
and he's just here
like nothing will change
he acts as though
i should do right by him
has he done right by me?
and her?
let's not even start on her
she came into our life
she never left
she's always there
and always here
i opened my home
for what?
for her
and her baggage
this isnt normal
and it's turned into
upside
and
down
he was frivulous
just out there
i had to hear from
where?
the streets?
u expecting a seed?
OH, the denials
on and on
over and over
how could he have done this
to us?
there is no excuse
and there is no romance
but we have a family
so im staying put
no way, im not leaving
i've earned him
been here through thick and thin
and thin and thick
but her?
oh that b*tch
she thinks i dont know
but its OK
so what, they get along great
and who asked if they have
things in common?
we were supposed to get married
until she showed up
that b*tch
ive been the one who's been here
i helped him out
i pay the bills
and i derserve him
she's just that b*tch
that got pregnant
so yeah
i tried
u know
to forgive
and forget
but that b*tch
she never leaves
she's here
and he's there
and it's not really that i even care
but what will people think?
so what they're meant to be
who asked them
i won
he's mine
i've been here
and i won't let him go
not even if i have to stay here
miserable
and look at him
just look at him
he's miserable too
he probably wants to go
find her
but who asked him
i won
he's mine
and the kids
there are the kids
what impression have
we...
given them?
oh but who cares
i wont let him go to her
he'll stay here
with me
so we
can be
miserable together.

stagnant water

a precious moment
and a sacred space
a twinkle in the eye
on a smiling face

your life and mine
destined for utter bliss
brought together through fate
but with an awkward twist

the doors of hell wide open
for us to fall right through
not intended for deceit
but what where we to do?

mates of the soul, us two
no obstacles can last
we have conquered all
from our abnormal past

how are we as soul mates
destined to be one
when we find ourselves here
with still no future begun?

no answers to pacify
the emotions that are true
not one day passes by us
that we dont push on and pursue

the world on our shoulders
each moment still subdued
we are dormant in this
struggling to make it through

long time coming

calm and peaceful
words unnecessary
the touch
the caress
the past
not belonging
together
you ~ I
never complete
here in the door
the door that leads to us
the bolts put in place
by those too noisy to understand
to involved to see
the love that is WE
the ups the downs
the past
yesterday and tomorrow
no one knows
the love we share
when no one is there
the bond our hearts have made
without the permission of even us
how have we come to this place
where you can taste me from miles away
and i can hold you for days
the embrace of the forbidden
the clasp of our lust
but we must recognize strength
and the force that drives us
is not us
but the strength of something more
powerful, wonderful, emotional
but so immoral
what is the answer
when does it end
this tormenting cycle
that cannot be won
how is it to play out
and when will we know
the heart that is mine
belongs to him
and no one can ever find
the obstacles the pain
and the glory
of none
what is the solution
that plagues us
by us...
for us...
it's US!