under construction

when u look into my eyes
what do u see?
cause you do not see me
but it's okay cause me
im making changes
changing mindstate
changing values
changing morals

and its funny
how you
no longer compare
and will no longer be here
times are changing
as am I
and you'll be a memory
left behind

i'm on a path
for more in life
there was nothing
but you
now i have nothing
for you
only me
changing
slowly

im going places
making changes
beating these
rat races
headed to the top
cant stop
making a better tomorrow
everything but the sorrow

under construction
rid of the destruction & obstruction
that is you
making changes
for better days
and better ways
positive, motivated
focused, & no longer frustrated

My Puddle

In the darkness of the light
alone
in the shadow
diminished
taken away
not cared for
or about
that's me
forming a puddle

without a voice
innocence taken
without words
pain in the past
pain in the tears
pain in the laughter
staring at
my puddle

broken chains
severed ties
silent screams
still
no voice
no air
to carry sound
pain without agony
drowning
in my puddle

dissappointment in self
ashamed and content
knowing nothing else
ignorant from truth
confused
cast away
set aside
to sit
alone
in the corner
in my puddle

a puddle
of tears
that have proved
nothing
that have solved
nothing
me alone
in my puddle
sorry for me
my own sympathy
PITY
in my puddle

Airing Laundry

you look at me with pain & disgust

you remember when i went out and did my dirt
never wondering were my feelings hurt
you wondered if i thought of you
while jumping from him to him, then back to you

you thought that i was frivalous to spite you
when all along i only wanted you
but i was second on your list of loves
i should be second to no one, i was above

but you were too busy asking how i could do it
never stopping to ask yourself why i did it
you never asked yourself, and you never asked me
cause if you would have, you could've clearly seen

the rules were simple from the start
i was not the ONE that had your heart
you say you knew right from the start
is it my fault you chose to conceal your heart?

you should have said what was on your mind
then i could have given us more time
but like the rules clearly state
"My Main Girl" is off limits all the rest we can rotate

trying so hard to save face at home
you let your supposed "LOVE" get gone...

brown eyes

just our eyes meet
and i dont see any more of you
i just feel lust
and want
and yearn

just our eyes meet
and i dont know your past
or care to know
for that
doesnt matter

just our eyes meet
and i could jump into your arms
take control and let nature
take its course
of course

just our eyes meet
and i can feel my center pulsate
with curiousity
longing for your touch
just you touching me

just our eyes meet
and i cant stand the heat
in this kitchen
and so
i look away and smile inside

...until our eyes meet again

JUST FOR TONIGHT

a quiet room
just you and i
darkness and silence
fill our minds
your eyes & mine
they meet
now it is time
i've waited
now it is time
acting as though
there is no him and no her
we walk closer, embrace, caress
kiss while grasping the moment
holding it tight
never wanting to let go
but knowing this is
just for tonight
just fot today
not to be taken past these four walls
this is our present
not our past
nor our future
just for tonight
to have and have not
to hold and let go
to want and want not
just for tonight
with emotions aside
just lust in our eyes
with warm subtle kisses
long girating thrusts
sweat that is so bitter sweet
no one will know
just you and i
from this night to the grave
our passion disclosed
while we were unclothed
together for one night
just us two
to enjoy the lust
that bound us until now
until tomorrow
when we once again will be
you & her
him & me

denied

when she saw him
she could stop him
and just kiss him
she lusted for him

she could disrespect her
she'd overlook her
pay no mind to her
as if there were no her

she'd caress him
gently bite him
scratch, nibble, and pinch him
just to start with him

she'd blush when she saw him
as she made eye contact with him
just one night embraced in him
being consumed by him

i tried to stop her
i tried to warn her
before she got caught
anyways...
she is not what he sought

for her from me

well ma

i didnt really want him
just needed him
to fulfill me
embrace me
taste me
caress & undress me
bring out the best of me
show me
console me
hold & mold me

yet you felt the pain
of the pressure
but
i never wanted
to hurt you
never thought
he'd desert you
for me
and all i wanted
was the passion
the pleasure
of the pressure
inside me
exploding
within me

never knowing
that you knew
of me
that you hated me
while all along
i just wanted
ectasy
to fulfill
my curiousity
of sharing bodies
with this man
who was your man

well ma

i apologize
for ruining
your lives
with no reprise
unimpressed
and not concerned

that woman

her eyes told me her story
yet, she never said a word
i knew from our initial...
confrontation
that she was one of them
with the sun in her eyes
yet the toll heavy on her soul
with the world in her bosom
and pain too much for even her to bare

a soul misdirected
subjected to being disrespected
such beauty
but not in the eye
of the men that beheld her
she was the moon
that shined in the night
but as falling stars
flew passed her
she grew more vacant
vacant in feeling
vacant in thought
life would pass her by
but still that light in her eyes
showed the hope
that there
may be hope
just maybe

she sang her song
silent but proud
she danced in broken mirrors
and smiled only on the inside
with tears held back
a servant to her past
yet she clenched her future
with both hands
tied behind her back
she pledged to strive on
through life's crusades
make the best of the worst

standards in place
ever growing and still
that WOMAN
strives on
she goes on
until there are no more
roads to travel
backs to rub
children to pacify
friends in need
sons at war
daughters to console
or partners to hold down...
she is a WOMAN

walking alone

what is the answer
how far down must i go
how far down is the bottom
i've heard them say
she'll get up when she hits rock bottom
but how far is rock?
i've heard it must get worse before it gets better
but how much worse?


ones journey through life
is it in vain?
is it in suffering?
why have we been put here to go through the rain?
to go through the struggle
why can a baby come into this world and never know happiness?
who's sick twisted game is this?
how can one go through life and never know love?
how can one go through life living forbidden love?
is love to be forbidden?
oxymoron maybe...

when is the right time?
when is that big game anyway?
does hard work really pay off in the end?
fighting and losing
constantly and endlessly
who has subjected us to this torture
the rules to this life are hateful
vindictive and cruel
many questions with no answers
maybe...just walk, and dont ask why!

Prisoner of time

he stands here
just here
like a piece of the furniture
there's nothing
love? lust? what's that?
it's been so long since...
since anything
and he's just here
like nothing will change
he acts as though
i should do right by him
has he done right by me?
and her?
let's not even start on her
she came into our life
she never left
she's always there
and always here
i opened my home
for what?
for her
and her baggage
this isnt normal
and it's turned into
upside
and
down
he was frivulous
just out there
i had to hear from
where?
the streets?
u expecting a seed?
OH, the denials
on and on
over and over
how could he have done this
to us?
there is no excuse
and there is no romance
but we have a family
so im staying put
no way, im not leaving
i've earned him
been here through thick and thin
and thin and thick
but her?
oh that b*tch
she thinks i dont know
but its OK
so what, they get along great
and who asked if they have
things in common?
we were supposed to get married
until she showed up
that b*tch
ive been the one who's been here
i helped him out
i pay the bills
and i derserve him
she's just that b*tch
that got pregnant
so yeah
i tried
u know
to forgive
and forget
but that b*tch
she never leaves
she's here
and he's there
and it's not really that i even care
but what will people think?
so what they're meant to be
who asked them
i won
he's mine
i've been here
and i won't let him go
not even if i have to stay here
miserable
and look at him
just look at him
he's miserable too
he probably wants to go
find her
but who asked him
i won
he's mine
and the kids
there are the kids
what impression have
we...
given them?
oh but who cares
i wont let him go to her
he'll stay here
with me
so we
can be
miserable together.

stagnant water

a precious moment
and a sacred space
a twinkle in the eye
on a smiling face

your life and mine
destined for utter bliss
brought together through fate
but with an awkward twist

the doors of hell wide open
for us to fall right through
not intended for deceit
but what where we to do?

mates of the soul, us two
no obstacles can last
we have conquered all
from our abnormal past

how are we as soul mates
destined to be one
when we find ourselves here
with still no future begun?

no answers to pacify
the emotions that are true
not one day passes by us
that we dont push on and pursue

the world on our shoulders
each moment still subdued
we are dormant in this
struggling to make it through

long time coming

calm and peaceful
words unnecessary
the touch
the caress
the past
not belonging
together
you ~ I
never complete
here in the door
the door that leads to us
the bolts put in place
by those too noisy to understand
to involved to see
the love that is WE
the ups the downs
the past
yesterday and tomorrow
no one knows
the love we share
when no one is there
the bond our hearts have made
without the permission of even us
how have we come to this place
where you can taste me from miles away
and i can hold you for days
the embrace of the forbidden
the clasp of our lust
but we must recognize strength
and the force that drives us
is not us
but the strength of something more
powerful, wonderful, emotional
but so immoral
what is the answer
when does it end
this tormenting cycle
that cannot be won
how is it to play out
and when will we know
the heart that is mine
belongs to him
and no one can ever find
the obstacles the pain
and the glory
of none
what is the solution
that plagues us
by us...
for us...
it's US!

gone in 60 seconds

the stress
my stress
in your palms
the absense of noise
the pain of silence

why?...
you?...
here?...
and YES now

the boy who said
I was the one
and left me to fend for me
he asked that I be strong
for me and for he
but all along
he, him, and his heart
were gone
so far
away
why couldn't he see me?
for me?
I was here
mind~body~soul
for him
the one who left
and he
never looked back
he wounded the soul
sucked the blood
out of my life
and never looked back
he wouldnt look back
not for him
not for me
he never looked back

PAIN

the emptiness in my soul is more than I'm willing to handle
the whole world around me exists while I'm at a stand still
I do not accept this pain that is burdened upon me
I can't deal with the emotions, I dont have the ability
what the fuck? how? who? and why do I deserve this?
I dont even have the energy or emotion to get pissed
so I'll sit here in agony and endure all this pain alone
the truth must be that i'm not destined to have a happy home
as much as I hurt and all the tears i've cried
it really doesnt matter it doesnt change the fact that you lied
all i ever wanted was someone to call my true friend
but now its all over what i thought was a friendship has come to an end
so with this i say i hope you have a wonderful life together
while i stand here in pain, suffering, alone, forever

Look denial in the face

I cannot sleep in your arms for you are not mine
I cannot call for your comfort when there is no sunshine

I cannot hold you tight when I experience fear
I cannot put my head on your shoulders when I shed tears

I cannot whisper in your ear and tell you how I care
I cannot wake up in the morning and expect you to be there

I cannot look into your eyes and see our future together
I cannot dream of us living a long life forever

I cannot hope for a change, I knew when I met you
I knew I couldnt have you, but never that I'd regret you

DROWNING

The breath escapes my lungs
It's trapped in my brain
I can't breathe
I'm falling
Where am I?
What's going on?
Where are you?
H E L P
Come back
I can't see you
Don't leave me
My blood isn't flowing
My legs won't move
I can't feel my fingers
My heart stopped beating
I can't concentrate
What's happening to me?
Why aren't you helping me?
When will this end?
I can't move
I need air
Can anyone hear me?
I must be dying...


No my dear...He's gone. You've lost him. Let him go. You'll get over it, it's just a broken heart

INNOCENT NO MORE

I HEARD HIS BREATH AND FELT HIS HEART BEAT
HIS HANDS WERE COLD AND OH SO INDISCREET

MY INNOCENCE ASIDE HE DEVOURED AND STOLE
MY AIR ESCAPED ME...NOTHING...NOT EVEN MY SOUL

THE MAN THAT WAS TO BE THE ROCK, OUR SUN AND
HIS PRESENCE, HIS PRESENTS, IMMORAL, BUT ABUNDANT

INNOCENCE STOLEN, VANISHED, NOT REMAINING
BY MY KING WHO LIFTED THE PURITY, NO LONGER SUSTAINING