TO MY FIRST

so i wanted this to be special
had planned for this as long as i can recall
like voluntary effort
making all the preliminary preperations
couldn't fall victim to doing it incorrectly
read some books
talked with friends
you know to get pointers
like tips and such
wanted to make sure everything was perfect
that which is without flaws
wanted this to be special
it was my first time

I changed clothes a million times
or so it seemed
when you saw me
i wanted you to think to yourself
this is the most beautiful woman
and i love her
i respect her
i knew you had been waiting
patiently
hoping to finally get the chance
to be in my arms
wrapped in my embrace
i walked into the room
there you were
i was nervous
scared
for you and for me
the mood was quite and still
mute and motionless
i felt like perfection for the first time
when you looked up in my direction
i knew this was the purest
most perfect love ever

see i had made my mistakes
but you were so precisely planned
so perfectly prepared
like the ALMIGHTY himself
had taken extra time
to chisel you by hand
i would have the opportunity
to do things right this time
my child's child
i had been so afraid of failure
as a parent
but with you
it was different
i knew i could do no wrong
by you
as you were perfection
my first grandson

Confession's of a woman scorned...

there was this man and he was my everything
he made me feel like a princess
i was his queen
he said things to me that no man had said to me before
he was all my heart desired
all my soul had prayed for
he was my everything
until that day...


there was this pain in me that ripped through my being
it felt like a razor pierced my chest and pulled out my heart
i was numb for the first few seconds, then i just felt this rush of heat
i looked at the phone as if i could see through it
i was holding it away from my ear as if i did not understand the words coming through the reciever
you must have the wrong number i thought to myself
she must have the wrong number
it was a woman, or so she called herself
she was telling me things about this man i loved
i know they are not true
because this is my man
my life
my "til death do us part"
she could not know MY man the way she said she KNEW
my MAN
i fell to the floor
replaying the past years of our lives
asking myself, where did i go wrong
what could i have done better
how could he do this to OUR family
and HER
she was so nonchalant about the entire ordeal
saying how this wasnt SUPPOSED to happen
and how it was a mistake
HOW do you mistakenly take my life away as if it were a game
how do you sleep at night
knowing you have destroyed a family
she said she just needed someone for comfort
she said she had been lonely for so long
she said all these things, but in my head all i heard was
i didnt even consider you, you didnt mean anything to me
and i dont care that i destroyed your life and family
i was at a loss for words until he walked in the door
and i felt all the words rush to my mouth as if they were fighting each other
to be the first to get out
but all i heard myself say was..
I love you
I mean one might think that weak, but
I loved...
I love this man
he makes me feel like a princess
i am his queen
he says things to me that no man has said before
he is all my heart desires
all my heart prays for
he is my everything
life is what you pray for
love is what you stay for

Truthfully...? A mistress' confession

why do women get mad when another woman gives their man attention?
it's not like there are enough men to go around
you always here them say "get you own man"
but it's not that i really want to be with this man that has to leave at midnight
it's not that i'm proud to be the one that makes him feel good in the darkness
but cant be seen with him in the light
the thing is that im lonely
i want my own
but in the meantime
i need someone to hold me at night too
i need to feel the comfort of someone there for me
half the time the sex is not even the issue
its the fact that this man, your man
he listens to me and gives advice
he hears me
he holds me when i have troubles
he lets me lean on him
and guess what
there are things that he does not feel comfortable telling you
he tells them to me
and i dont judge him
i dont hate him for having erotic thoughts
i embrace it
i love it
i love him
it was never meant to hurt you
it was never meant to degrade you
i was just in a place at that time and i needed someone
he was there for me
and so i was there for him
we fell in love by accident
and yes it was and still is LOVE
you think its about me disrespecting you
its not...and that's the truth
its about not spending time alone
its about not hurting all the time
i know he is never leaving you
and i never want him too
im just filling this void until someone else
comes in to fill it for me...
yeah it sucks, but you asked for the truth.

I saw love

at a glance
he stared at her from across the room
it was then she knew
they would see each other
really...
SEE
each other
she knew there was something in him
that drew her near
but she could not put her finger on it
...
as if her finger could even graze the surface
that was him
she SAW him
but all she saw was him
and in him there was this light
they never tried to avoid it
as that was not to become them
they would be them
her and he became...WE

time passed as it tends to do
they grew together and apart
but not apart from each other
just in their own ways
he loved her essence
she loved his manner
he loved her being
she loved his strength

to me it seemed odd
they would end up this way
loving for life
giving of themselves for the other to embrace
but this was there destiny
mates of the soul
there was never any anger
or hurtful, sinful ways
just love
for all of their days

i treasure this thing they found
well, to me, it seemed stumbled upon
they rejoiced in each other
for each other
like there was no tomorrow
they lived for today
as if tomorrow didnt matter
they made the best of today
for them that was all they needed
for each other
they loved each other

... and in them
i saw love

I CANT BE ME

i cant be me
without you
i am a strong woman
but without you
i am just her
that girl
i am not the star
that i've been known to be
when i reflect the light
that you give to me
i need you beside me
for guidance
not to direct me
but to lead me
show me
teach me
hold me
i am not me
without you
you dont complete me
as i came to you complete
but you
just allow me to shine
free
and be me
i can not be ME
without YOU

Please stay..?!?!?!

one morning when i awoke
you were there
i glanced at you while you slept
you had found comfort
in a very strange place
you were resting
so peacefully

i whispered in your ear
and asked you to stay
but you were resting
i wanted you to know
that i never wanted you to go
but in my heart i knew
that was not possible
i wanted you to stay
in your comfortable place
i need you to know
that you could never go
i needed you to stay
if just for one more day
i
just needed
for you
to stay

HE DOES NOT KNOW

he walks alone
all the way home
he does not see her
sitting there
he is not aware
of the presence
her eager presence
she loves him
from afar
but he knows not
that she wants
for them
she looks for him
when he is not there
we he comes by
she hides
but in her heart
she wants him
she needs him
to love her
hold her
shape and mold her
but he is not there
she is suffering
crying
dying
inside she is whining
all she ever wanted was him
for him
and them
she loves him and wants him
because he is her king

for love

days i walked
talked
yelled
was compelled
i missed you
i still miss you
cant be without you
dont want to
be without you
i love you
lust for you
adore you
want more for you
i love you
i want you
with me
so you can see
that you can be
my king
i dont need a ring
i want to move forward
towards you
reward you
for being you
im sick
with this pain
this strain
i want for us
more than lust
i want for our love

FACING THE MUSIC

its like still
you only think of you
like nothing else matters
except the pain you go through

we all have pain
we all have hurts
why do you think
yours is the worst?

cant you see
that life goes on
when you are weak
you still need to be strong

how do i say this
do i watch my words
its like these days
your all sensitive & reserved

i used to be able
to say what i meant
we used to be able
to talk and to vent

but now a days
as your world is chaotic
you walk around
and every fight you pick

i wont chase you
or ask you anymore
i am done
fighting this war

just know in your heart
that your time will be here
when you will sit down
to face your biggest fear

i dont degrade you
nor do i place blame
but you should know
that it all sounds the same

hopefully you will see
this is not to hurt you
just needed to know
your actions are hurtful

hopefully you take this
as food for thought
this is not an attack
just food for you thoughts...