Vicious Cycle

it was never physical
it was never about
running home at lunch
to please you
not about making you climax
with that little thing I do

it was you
it was me
it was us
exposed
it was pure
so pure and real
surreal
for real

i miss the soft
gentle caress
of your hands
i miss the comfort
i felt in your arms
i miss laying there
breathing heavily
sweating
heart racing
after climaxing
just looking at you
thinking
~dam that was great

the thing is
after the climax
after the heart
pounding
blood
racing
after all
was said and done
it was
like clockwork
you
excused yourself
cleaned up
said bitter sweet
goodbyes
you
walked out my door
racing home
to play
house

now, i miss you
but i don't miss that
so when you
think of me
replay the memories
great times
we had
don't feel sad
just know
that this is not
what I wanted
but what had to be
I love you
just couldn't
keep pretending that was ME!

No need to be jealous

I saw it on your face
but baby I belong to you
I saw you cut your eyes
my love devoted only for you
I am here
not going anywhere
you know Im here
my love belongs to you

there is no one
not anything
that could change the way
I feel
I was created for you
dont you see the way
I treat you
when its just the two of us here
dont you know how much
I've wanted
to be the one for you
I waited my turn
and its finally time
to show you
how a woman is supposed
to treat her man

so dont think for one moment
that I have other intentions
I am here for you
I love you baby
never will I be untrue
I will love and cherish you
til the end of my days
baby I love you
and that will
never change
this love is for
...always!

Your offering

i come to this place often
to see if you
have left an offering for me

it pleasures my soul
to know
that we have this place
aside from differences
i come and find pieces of you
here...
it makes my heart smile
places contentness in my soul
knowing you offer yourself
for me to indulge
knowing we should have been better
than this
what we've become
knowing
i wanted more
than what we've become
there were no rules
no judges to decide
like you said before
at least we enjoyed the ride
i just wanted to thank you
for the offering you bring
i will come to collect it
i pray i never reach here
only to find there is nothing

Wish I knew

and so
I
sit here with thoughts of us
I
can not understand
I
dont know if you loved me
I dont know...

I dont know if it was love
or just you making me think it was
-love
I dont know
if you loved me...
that is a f*cked up feeling
I must say
I dont know
I want it to be
that you loved me
I want to say
it all went down that way
I want to think
that you really did
love ME
but the truth is
I dont know.
I dont know
if you were just using me
to pass your time
or if you thought of me
really thought of me
i know what you said
but dont think you ever had
any true feelings
but...
I dont know
dam
I dont know
if the baby is yours
I dont know
if you really dislike her as much as you said
I dont know
if you really loved me
as much as I wanted you to
I dont know
and
not knowing
is a beast
I wish I knew

NOTHING TO OFFER

there is no fight in you
i mean you dont fight for me
to keep me around
you dont tell me to stay
you allowed walking away
but i know why you dont
why you wont
its because you have no grounds
nothing to offer
if i came back
-what would change?
not a thing
if i came back
you would not:
spend the night
hold me tight in the morning's light
be there always and never let go
you could not
so that is why
you say no words
use no verbs
maintain your place
no pleading the case
that is the reason
i said goodbye
GOODBYE

MISSING

not sure if i miss you
or the thought of you
maybe the soft caress of your hands on my body
slowly touching all the intimate places
maybe the soft way you kissed me
until you knew i wanted more intensity
fighting myself daily
wondering if i should call
knowing i dont need to go there
thought i saw your car today
around my way
thought of you being there with me
missing you
maybe i miss you
maybe its just the thought of you
dam this sucks
i will continue to fight
thoughts of you
but i do
miss you

Only for you

got myself a pedicure today
picked up some new pumps today
went by Vicky's
picked out a lil BLACK LACE something today
got my hair done today
i
knew
you
would
come
by
today
when you walked in the door
i lay there on the couch
with black lace and black pumps
tempted you with my new coat of paint
you just smiled
there was nothing left to say
you walked toward me
kissing gently
my neck
my cheek
i just smiled
there was nothing left to say
this was your night
i got up and sat you down
took the bag from your hands
placed the HENNY on the counter
but the strawberries
the whipped cream
those i left out
tonight was your night
we can go in the room later
but i cant wait
i need you now
i've waited all day
as i unzipped your pants
my hands cant get them down fast enough
trying to hurry without being rough
cant wait to place my lips on your love
you have no idea how much i love
IT!
see
what you dont know
is that i love to make you feel good
would do it all day if i could
allowing you to feel the moist embrace
as i slide from the tip to the base
nippling ever so softly right under the rim
licking you from the bottom to the top
making you moan
groan
you place your hand on the back of my head
pulling my locks with each stroke
this is my pleasure
no need for thank you's
i enjoy pleasing and teasing you
any way you want it
your wish is my command
how ever do you want it?
just take me by the hand

Enough

i asked to be in your presence
i asked for your company
i knew you could not get away
i knew you would not make the decision and choose me
i knew that you were busy doing the things
that a spouse does
i knew
i just missed you
i needed you here if only to hold me
for a while
i asked that you choose me
for once
make a decision to be in the arms of me
the one who appreciated you
the one who pleased you
who embraced your creativity
who made you smile
i asked
and you laughed
as if to say
"you know i cant do that"
and that is when i realized
i dont belong here
i dont have you
i had a false image of what i wanted us to be
i had thoughts of what i needed us to be
i wanted and needed for me
a companion
and you...
you were not
and would never be
you told me yourself
remember that day you were being truthful...?
remember how you said you would never choose me
you had to stay
stuck in that place
in that place that held you there
there was never future plans for US
never gonna be an US
so once reality set in
i decided
enough is enough

coming to realize

now i know that you lied
i know that when you said it was bad
it wasn't
when you said she didnt matter
she did
when you said you weren't happy
you were
when you said you had settled
you hadn't
when you said you loved me
you didn't
when you said it would never change
that was the only time you were honest

Just needed to be said...

As time passed I grew closer to you
I wanted you more and more
needed you in my life
felt that I could not be
without you
But then one day I woke up
I realized that it was more than you
it was me
I needed someone to make me
feel like more of a woman
but in doing that
I degraded me
I used you
it was never about us
it was me needing to be
reassured
but times have changed my friend
and I am great
I have realized that I am worthy
I am blessed
I am inspiration
I am changed
I am
knowing that I used you
to get here
makes me feel like I owe you
at least a few words of explanation
you were there when no one else was
for that I THANK YOU!
Im good now though
I am a big girl
walking on my own two
loving this life
loving ME
thanks and I apologize
for any pain that was caused
I'm on my way now
so happy now
getting better
day after day
healing from the inside out
loving this life
and I thank you

Transformation

real thoughts
in this real mind
real feelings
in this place in time
my heart in my hands
this world
my plan
moving forward
at my pace
no longer the rat race
i have evolved
from then to now
changed my course now
positive thoughts
dreams come true
i will see it through
fortune and fame
i was destined for it
making a way
and sure of it
smiling
head held high
staying the course
pushing on through
doing what it is
i gotta do
i am in charge
i determine the fate
i will maintain
keeping my faith
loving this life
living it to the fullest
making a way
no more excuses
one foot down
in front of the other
one step at a time
leading the way
with just today
one day at a time
nothing more powerful
than my mind
me and myself
making through
focused and determined
for all my dreams to come true