Disconnecting

he wanted to walk away
he knew that she was wrong
for him...
she was kept
he wanted to say goodbye
but he did not want to be a hypocrite
he did not want for things to be where they had been
he wanted to walk away
be confident enough to walk
and stay away
but he loved this woman
he loved her for her companionship
her words
her patience
she was not a bad person
she was a great mother
a good friend
she was just bad for him
he needed to be alone
for once in his life
needed to be happy in himself
he needed to feel good about him
he loved this woman
loved to please this woman
but did not want to be defined by this woman
as it had happened so many times before
that he had found himself with his brother's
woman
someones woman
he needed to let go
but didn't know how to let go
couldn't walk away
didn't know how to walk away
wanted to walk away
couldn't find the strength to walk away
knowing in his heart it was just a matter of time
until
...he would muster up the nerve to finally
WALK AWAY AND NEVER RETURN

the artist

torn between love and passion
not expecting any reaction
a man addicted to the love
and the lack there of...

addicted to streets and money
fast cars and honeys
drugs and rhymes
ecstasy and cocaine lines
stood in forums
they yelled his name out loud,
oh so proud
he created the crowd
clean and dapper
prim and proper
but addicted to the game
it added to his pain
forced his way into a life full of luxury
fantasy
distance
resistance
however
his pain never came from lies
so much at times he would cry
ruthless truth
nevertheless this was his truth
he just needed to be accepted
tired of years of being rejected
he needed to be viewed as a man of worth
nothing more than a man first
he was the artist
they called him GLORY
told his story
spoke highly of him
did NOT judge him
but he JUDGED himself
never cared for the wealth
he lived for the fame
as long as they all knew his name
he was truly an artist
addicted to the crowd
hearing his name yelled out loud
streets and money
fast cars and honeys
drugs and rhymes
ecstacy and cocaine lines
he was the artist

...and he was an addict

RESPONDING

we weren't promised forever
but we took our chances
we weren't given romance
only sexual advances
i wanted more
than you could give
but learned to live
forget and forgive
we were given time
for spending
wounds mending
created by circumstance
maybe by chance
or lack there of
we weren't above
or beyond just us
there was plenty of lust
no time for trust
plenty of doubt
still
we could not live without
like a morning prayer
i needed you to be there
this is just a response
letting you know i hear you
when no one else can
....i do
and i WILL
i'm not going
even if lust is forfeited
love will be left
that is my commitment

This Morning

she had come to realize that
hoping and wishing
praying and crying
wanting and needing
wasnt enough
she knew she could not
bare or dare
to continue torturing herself
compromising her health
stressed and depressed
she held on tight
to the hope that he might
be free one day
say goodbye to his life
say goodbye to his wife
she wanted this man
he was a kept man
she loved this man
could not live without this man
she was torn
thinking of the unborn
but the feeling was gone
she woke up this morning
realizing that she was free
she had finally
torn herself from the thought
of being held down
captured in rapture
she was a new HER
she was a new SHE
she was FREE
she never thought it could be
that she would be free
but this morning
the weight was lifted
and she was a free spirit
she stood up on her bed
and yelled it out loud
FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST...
THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM FREE AT LAST

Thank you

a mistake?
i think not
this force came to her with a plan
given to her by this man
it was beauty in its more glorious form
a smile that could light up the room
healing wounded hearts
you showed her the way
took her from rags to richness
she changed because of you
she was better because of you
she is here now because of you
she has survived because of you

she had pursued a life
of heartache and pain
never knew love existed this way
she was harse and tainted
you were perfect
...painless
what she needed
she saw in you that love can grow
to show
more than regret
she knew all along
you could have never been wrong
you changed her ways
creating hope for her days
those to come
and those that had passed
were just that...
the past
she had no regrets
she looked on and pursued
no longer subdued
she had hope for the future
you were her future

MIA querida
you save her life
changed her ways
created hopeful days
never a mistake
you were prepare for greatness
MIA saved her...
the person i used to be
i will be forever grateful
......eternally

WORDS

so words are just letters
grouped together
to form our thoughts
our feelings
but your words
oh your words
they take me to places
where my heart races
and with them i can go anywhere
hoping you are there
even far and beyond
when i am weak they make me strong
your words do things to my being
i LOVE your words
even more that just you
or just US
those words
they are placed side by side
together
they form these patterns
that paint pictures
like scriptures
from YOUR good book
i come here to find
everyday
everytime
more words to inhale
take in
they win
me over
each time
more intense than the last
its just that
i dread the day
you take your words away
and leave me here
with no words to help me endure
i need words
not just any words
your words

HE SAW HER

she had never seen his face or spoken his name
she didnt even know the color of his eyes
but he saw her
he felt her pains
and knew her aches
but had never reached out to touch her
he had comforted her
but never actually placed his arms around her
he had been this voice of reason
this bit of hope
she looked up to him
but never contemplated whether he was taller than her
she had smiled thinking of him
but in her dreams
he had no features
he knew of her value
he spoke highly of her character
but she had never heard his voice
he was this statue of strength
these words of wisdom
he praised her
when she did not feel worthy of praise
he made her feel like she could
made her think it'd get better
he was the epitome of a MAN
she wanted him in every other she met
she compared the rest to the BEST
but soon she came to realize the mold
had been smashed into a million pieces
she did not expect it
she was just content in the fact
that they
these two souls had crossed
the paths of their lives
she was satisfied just in that alone

he saw her...

TO MY FIRST

so i wanted this to be special
had planned for this as long as i can recall
like voluntary effort
making all the preliminary preperations
couldn't fall victim to doing it incorrectly
read some books
talked with friends
you know to get pointers
like tips and such
wanted to make sure everything was perfect
that which is without flaws
wanted this to be special
it was my first time

I changed clothes a million times
or so it seemed
when you saw me
i wanted you to think to yourself
this is the most beautiful woman
and i love her
i respect her
i knew you had been waiting
patiently
hoping to finally get the chance
to be in my arms
wrapped in my embrace
i walked into the room
there you were
i was nervous
scared
for you and for me
the mood was quite and still
mute and motionless
i felt like perfection for the first time
when you looked up in my direction
i knew this was the purest
most perfect love ever

see i had made my mistakes
but you were so precisely planned
so perfectly prepared
like the ALMIGHTY himself
had taken extra time
to chisel you by hand
i would have the opportunity
to do things right this time
my child's child
i had been so afraid of failure
as a parent
but with you
it was different
i knew i could do no wrong
by you
as you were perfection
my first grandson

Confession's of a woman scorned...

there was this man and he was my everything
he made me feel like a princess
i was his queen
he said things to me that no man had said to me before
he was all my heart desired
all my soul had prayed for
he was my everything
until that day...


there was this pain in me that ripped through my being
it felt like a razor pierced my chest and pulled out my heart
i was numb for the first few seconds, then i just felt this rush of heat
i looked at the phone as if i could see through it
i was holding it away from my ear as if i did not understand the words coming through the reciever
you must have the wrong number i thought to myself
she must have the wrong number
it was a woman, or so she called herself
she was telling me things about this man i loved
i know they are not true
because this is my man
my life
my "til death do us part"
she could not know MY man the way she said she KNEW
my MAN
i fell to the floor
replaying the past years of our lives
asking myself, where did i go wrong
what could i have done better
how could he do this to OUR family
and HER
she was so nonchalant about the entire ordeal
saying how this wasnt SUPPOSED to happen
and how it was a mistake
HOW do you mistakenly take my life away as if it were a game
how do you sleep at night
knowing you have destroyed a family
she said she just needed someone for comfort
she said she had been lonely for so long
she said all these things, but in my head all i heard was
i didnt even consider you, you didnt mean anything to me
and i dont care that i destroyed your life and family
i was at a loss for words until he walked in the door
and i felt all the words rush to my mouth as if they were fighting each other
to be the first to get out
but all i heard myself say was..
I love you
I mean one might think that weak, but
I loved...
I love this man
he makes me feel like a princess
i am his queen
he says things to me that no man has said before
he is all my heart desires
all my heart prays for
he is my everything
life is what you pray for
love is what you stay for

Truthfully...? A mistress' confession

why do women get mad when another woman gives their man attention?
it's not like there are enough men to go around
you always here them say "get you own man"
but it's not that i really want to be with this man that has to leave at midnight
it's not that i'm proud to be the one that makes him feel good in the darkness
but cant be seen with him in the light
the thing is that im lonely
i want my own
but in the meantime
i need someone to hold me at night too
i need to feel the comfort of someone there for me
half the time the sex is not even the issue
its the fact that this man, your man
he listens to me and gives advice
he hears me
he holds me when i have troubles
he lets me lean on him
and guess what
there are things that he does not feel comfortable telling you
he tells them to me
and i dont judge him
i dont hate him for having erotic thoughts
i embrace it
i love it
i love him
it was never meant to hurt you
it was never meant to degrade you
i was just in a place at that time and i needed someone
he was there for me
and so i was there for him
we fell in love by accident
and yes it was and still is LOVE
you think its about me disrespecting you
its not...and that's the truth
its about not spending time alone
its about not hurting all the time
i know he is never leaving you
and i never want him too
im just filling this void until someone else
comes in to fill it for me...
yeah it sucks, but you asked for the truth.

I saw love

at a glance
he stared at her from across the room
it was then she knew
they would see each other
really...
SEE
each other
she knew there was something in him
that drew her near
but she could not put her finger on it
...
as if her finger could even graze the surface
that was him
she SAW him
but all she saw was him
and in him there was this light
they never tried to avoid it
as that was not to become them
they would be them
her and he became...WE

time passed as it tends to do
they grew together and apart
but not apart from each other
just in their own ways
he loved her essence
she loved his manner
he loved her being
she loved his strength

to me it seemed odd
they would end up this way
loving for life
giving of themselves for the other to embrace
but this was there destiny
mates of the soul
there was never any anger
or hurtful, sinful ways
just love
for all of their days

i treasure this thing they found
well, to me, it seemed stumbled upon
they rejoiced in each other
for each other
like there was no tomorrow
they lived for today
as if tomorrow didnt matter
they made the best of today
for them that was all they needed
for each other
they loved each other

... and in them
i saw love

I CANT BE ME

i cant be me
without you
i am a strong woman
but without you
i am just her
that girl
i am not the star
that i've been known to be
when i reflect the light
that you give to me
i need you beside me
for guidance
not to direct me
but to lead me
show me
teach me
hold me
i am not me
without you
you dont complete me
as i came to you complete
but you
just allow me to shine
free
and be me
i can not be ME
without YOU

Please stay..?!?!?!

one morning when i awoke
you were there
i glanced at you while you slept
you had found comfort
in a very strange place
you were resting
so peacefully

i whispered in your ear
and asked you to stay
but you were resting
i wanted you to know
that i never wanted you to go
but in my heart i knew
that was not possible
i wanted you to stay
in your comfortable place
i need you to know
that you could never go
i needed you to stay
if just for one more day
i
just needed
for you
to stay

HE DOES NOT KNOW

he walks alone
all the way home
he does not see her
sitting there
he is not aware
of the presence
her eager presence
she loves him
from afar
but he knows not
that she wants
for them
she looks for him
when he is not there
we he comes by
she hides
but in her heart
she wants him
she needs him
to love her
hold her
shape and mold her
but he is not there
she is suffering
crying
dying
inside she is whining
all she ever wanted was him
for him
and them
she loves him and wants him
because he is her king

for love

days i walked
talked
yelled
was compelled
i missed you
i still miss you
cant be without you
dont want to
be without you
i love you
lust for you
adore you
want more for you
i love you
i want you
with me
so you can see
that you can be
my king
i dont need a ring
i want to move forward
towards you
reward you
for being you
im sick
with this pain
this strain
i want for us
more than lust
i want for our love

FACING THE MUSIC

its like still
you only think of you
like nothing else matters
except the pain you go through

we all have pain
we all have hurts
why do you think
yours is the worst?

cant you see
that life goes on
when you are weak
you still need to be strong

how do i say this
do i watch my words
its like these days
your all sensitive & reserved

i used to be able
to say what i meant
we used to be able
to talk and to vent

but now a days
as your world is chaotic
you walk around
and every fight you pick

i wont chase you
or ask you anymore
i am done
fighting this war

just know in your heart
that your time will be here
when you will sit down
to face your biggest fear

i dont degrade you
nor do i place blame
but you should know
that it all sounds the same

hopefully you will see
this is not to hurt you
just needed to know
your actions are hurtful

hopefully you take this
as food for thought
this is not an attack
just food for you thoughts...

i miss you

you i miss
i know i told you
to leave me alone
but i didnt mean it
i was just angry
cause you dont
give me
the attention
i crave
i saved for you
myself
and i waited
but like i said
you never showed up
i was so stuck
on the reality
that is us
that i let you
turn and walk away
i was sad
but it needed to be
cause there was
no WE
just you and her
so i ran you off
and never wanted
to look back
emotions i lacked
but know
that NOW
i miss you
i miss us
the naps
where we just layed
the times when we just played
i miss you baby
and i know you're not mine
but nevertheless
i miss my friend.

SO OVER YOU

so in your head
i'm still chasing
and wasting
my time
with your
line after line
ha ha ha
i laugh
at the thought
you think that i
am stuck on you
your a joke
im so done
i play with you
when there's nothing
else to do
i dont care
so beware
dont involve
your feelings
or your thoughts
or cares
cause me
i dont
i just pass
the time
when your there
it is wut it is
when your gone
outta sight
outta mind
i wish you knew
im so over you
but you think
everything is about you
at that i laugh
cause me...?
im over you
never turning back
cause i know
you are a lost cause
i have better things to do
and they dont include you
so just know
im over you
because of you
never again
~me and you
cause we are through

IN HARMS WAY

i look at you
wishing
praying for you
this day
with head in hand
bowing down
i ask for you
that harm
not come to you
or for you
because who you are
where you come from
makes you that object
some may forget
but i see
day after day
the way of the world today
i must protect you
my son
from life itself
i know that one day
you will become
a man...our KING
a glorious being
you will return the favor
of protection
but today
i must heed the call
for you and all
my brothers
my son
my nephews
as you are my heart
from you 'I' was born
i couldnt stand
to see us
torn apart
so i protect you
try to teach
but not preach
to you
to give life lessons
those of oppression
but these times
are hard
life is cold
so for you
i pray
that GOD
keeps you
out of harm's way

didnt mean to let go

i knew
from the initial contact
this was no more
than lust
at its worst
but me
i had a grip
i was in control
of myself
i knew i had been
in this similar place before
but this time
i was in control
when he touched me
with his hands trembling
i knew i was in control
as he kissed my neck
my ears
i felt this urge
to allow him to take me
have his way
with me
but i was in control
he looked in me
not at me
he found those pains
made them pleasures
he touched the aches
made them treasures
caressed my burden
with a lyric so pure
from his inner most emotion
his blood raced
as my heart beat patterns
across his
but i was in control
it was lustful
but meaningful
wild
but sensitive
my body said let go
but the mind
tried to keep
that control
then it happened
i lost my mind
my heart
my emotion
my destination
had been touched
reached
i let go
i lost control
i let it be
more than we
more than us
no longer lust
but that feeling
that i cant be
without you near me
i cant see
life without you
this feels true
there was love
i lost control

i waited

i waited for you to rescue me
from myself
from the me that keeps me from you
i waited for you to see
that deep in me
there is a girl
that just loves you
for you
cause you
make me...ME
i waited for you to call
to tell me
it was ok to be...ME
i waited for you to say
all was ok
and that this day
was just a day
of misunderstood words
and conflicting verbs
i wanted you to be there
when i arrived there
telling me "NO
dont go
stay...
dont walk away"
but there was no YOU
there was nothing
just me
and the emotions
that tell me
you are not for me
but in me
there is a voice
telling me
not to make a choice
to continue to allow love
for love
with love
i know this is conflicting
but my heart is so
you give me reason
purpose and hope
strength and will
but you werent there to say
stay
you didnt come
to hold my heart
you didnt call
to comfort my soul
you let me walk away
yet again
i never knew
love allowed letting go
letting be
letting leave
i never knew
until i waited
and you didnt show

YOUR EPIPHANY

so today you decided you'd tell me
so today you thought it would matter
so today you felt compelled to share this
so today you thought exactly what?
what does it mean when you say the words?
what does it change when you say the words?
what was accomplished by saying the words?
what are you expecting by saying the words?
i wanted this from you, but not like this
i wanted this for us, but not like this
i wanted this for me, but not like this
i wanted this before, but its too late
do i feel the same way? maybe i do
do i want you? maybe i do
do i wish things were different? of course i do
do i wanna tell you wife? dont worry i wont

listen carefully...
dont say you love me if you cant show you love ME

YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING

It took along time for me to come up with something to say to you that would stay with you always.
All I could think was you are my everything.
It sounded so corny at first and I didnt know if it would work,
but all I could think was you are my everything.
I wanted to dig deep within my soul and find something great to say,
but all I came up with is you are my everything.
I wanted to go through the memories of when i was young,
how you protected me and taught me morals and values.
I wanted to think of all the times you were both mom and dad.
I wanted to go through all the long hard hours you worked so I could have the finest things,
I wanted to pull from my past and our hard times together just you and me.
I wanted to find pictures of us smiling together,
I wanted to say things that made you know i thought this out.
All i could come up with is you are my everything.
Here today I give my everything to another.
I give you (eli) my mother's hand and her heart,
but she does not come alone. see, she comes with baggage.
When you receive her, receive us...she is my everything and today I give her hand to you,
hoping she is your everything too.

You made the wrong call

you calling me trippin and asking questions?
call him for some direction
why you mad at me what did i do?
u need answers, turn to your dude
he is the one that owes you an explanation
not me, we aint no relation
ask him y he rather be with me
ask him how comfortable he be
i havent done anything for u to be whiling
i could have so dont take this kindly
i can act a fool but u really wont like it
i thought you had a better head on ur shoulders chick
after all this time i thought we were past this
i guess u were just a low self esteem type bitch
dont ask me where, when, and how
confront ur MAN, why he aint been around
i dont want him, not ever, then or now
u keep testing me and i'll give it to him any how
just to prove a point and say i did
i will give him wut he wants and do it real good
so stop yelling and screaming at me with that mess
turn around look him in the eye and ask ur question
WHY DO U RUN TO HER, WHILE I SIT HERE ALONE?
you will just confirm he aint shit...just a dog with a bone

he is a coward

with a decision to be made
how does one choose?
one gives him this
and the other that
he feels like making a decision
-will make him less of a man
or more of a coward
i mean the boys thinks he's the shit
and well so does he
but taking everything for what it is
she is a home body
she cooks and cleans
helps with homework
you know the homemaker type
and then there is her
he views her physically
as flawless, like perfection
the type that keeps him with an erection
she fulfills his wildest desires
makes him weak
and is like one of his peers
his choices both great
but complicated
does he stay with the woman
that has been through thick and thin
or does he take a chance
with the one that keeps him grinning
this choice has come up many times before
and each time he bowed out
a coward hiding behind street repore.

ripped

he looked into her heart
and saw her pain
he paid attention
washed away her rain

he made it so simple
for her to love again
he was her knight
she was weak for him

they were in love
she had longed for this
they were one
no strings or twists

until that day
that she took his pride
she never knew
it would change their life

she made the decision
not ever believing
from this point on
she would be his demon

she ripped life from him
when she aborted their baby
he tried his best not to
but it literally drove him crazy

my QUIET

a safe haven
that special place
HE has withdrawn
and gone away

that nook no one knew off
that corner i ran to
that shelf i called home
my QUIET is gone

the spot under the stairs
when no one knew i was there
the back porch of my home
my QUIET is gone

without notice or hints
not a word did he say
franticly i find only
confusion and dismay

my QUIET is gone
and i cant find any space
i am dying to find
that QUIET place

disconnected

mystery & fantasy
but most of all secrecy
too much untold
witheld, he would withold
unmentionables too many
far and plenty
she advanced forward
and onward
he retracted back
intentions he lacked
he gave only enough
for her it was enough
to keep her giving
and willing
she was satisfied
still she tried
he was content
with his intent
as only he knew
the truth
behind those mysterious ways
that caused his delays
mystery & fantasy
but most of all secrecy
too much untold
witheld he would withold
unmentionables too many
far and plenty

FRIDAY NIGHT

alone in a dark room
she sat and wondered
could it be?
is it possible?

his words had been painful
they cut like razors
they left scars that bled
his facial expression had been strong
filled with hurtful stares
with every attempt to taunt her
he became more & more enraged
he began to use the past to his advantage
he spoke like she was an animal
like she never mattered
just his thoughts & memories of what was

she tried to understand
she asked herself
what sparked this disgust?
how could the man that loved her
-hate her this much?
had they not come through this?
had they not been better than this?

it was then she realized
he never understood
he was never over this thing
she beat herself up for admitting fault
-to make them stronger

as his hands touched her in anger
as his words continued to pierce her
she looked into his eyes
she realized the man she loved was gone
in his place a monster
an animal in attack mode
she knew then the man she knew before
-was just a memory
she knew...
he was gone forever

alone in a dark room
she sat and wondered
HOW COULD DADDY DO THIS TO HIS GIRL?