today

today i almost cried
almost said regretable words
acted irrationally
second guessed
came to conclusions
today was a wondefully bad day
i let go
i let you take me there
and now
im sitting here
wishing we were US
now
i want to take it back
not because it wasnt good
because im scared you'll run
again
i gave you me
even though you told me
this time its for real
that doesnt change
the fact
that im afraid
pertrified
feels like
im losing my mind
i've never felt this feeling
this tuggin at my soul
to be near another being
the energy
the gravitational attraction
causes my reaction
stumbling on my own two feet
i cant believe
today
i almost cried

sick and tired

with you whats the point?
why do i come to look for you?
you never reciprocate
never give what you take
it all feels one sided
lopsided
I'm no longer motivated by you
no longer drawn to you
not inspired
just tired
of playing games
and placing blame
what do you want from me?
there is nothing left for me to pull from
I'm done
you're weak and misleading
deceitful and conniving
i cant and i wont
you say one thing
but do another
don't want romance
just another lover
you leave me feeling empty and used
truly abused
its mostly my fault
for wanting your attention
the slightest bit of affection
maybe one day
i will wake up and say
enough is enough
no more will you prey
on my forgiving soul
its sad to express
but emotions i suppress
just to hide them from your ways
for possible better days

BLAH

no motivation
just contemplation and frustration
bored
feeling ignored
no passions
nothing lasting
no sustenance or substance


mundane
complacent
stuck in a rut
really and trully
not giving a f*ck
just going through life
not stopping to see
all of the things
that were placed here for me
cant find the encouragement
especially in me
stuck here and now
not how its supposed to be


bland
no spice in life
monotonous and routine
obscene to say the least
a sad lonely place
i find myself there
no one & nothing anywhere
this is my life
and its
...BLAH

missing

after all this time
i find myself sitting here
thinking of you
wondering what could have been
would have been
should have been
it was probably for the better
but nevertheless
i sit here thinking of you
the way we would sneak off
just to be held
just to play
just to lay
missing your voice
but knowing you made the right choice
i wonder if ever
we will find ourselves together
i miss my friend
i miss my lover

his temptation

there will never be
another you
no one will fulfill the need
i have for you
no one will ever measure up
no one will compare

you have made your mark on my heart
and even if i never hear your voice
if you never speak my name
if i never feel your soft caress
ever again
just know that you have changed me
made me a better being
i am more because of you
i am a better me

you should know that you are
inspiration
and
motivation
i hope to always be
your temptation

FULFILLMENT

he asked me to stand still
close my eyes
as he stood behind me
he gently kissed my neck
ran his finger tips down my back
i tried to act like i was not affected
yeah...that did not last long
he nibbled on my ear
this encounter could not be wrong
placed his hand around my neck
squeezed ever so gently
he turned me around and our lips met for the first time
like they had met before
simultaneous responses
he slowly lifted my black tank over my head
slid bra straps off my shoulders
he looked at me and saw me
he wanted to please me
he needed me there to show him
he deserves so much more
than what he is used to
he layed me down on the bed
and turned up the heat
he looked into my soul
he pressed his love against me
he told me not to move
while he stood there and just stared
he told me how much
he liked the curl in my hair
he ran his hands through it
pulled on a lock or two
by them i was moaning
ah uh ohhhhh oooohhhh
i tried to please him relentlessly
but he did not allow...hesitantly
he pulled down the Vicky's
looked at my bare essence
he placed his hands in mine
i knew it was time for his lessons
i gyrated my hips
licked my lips
swayed to and fro
i just took control
until...
i hit the right spot
it slowly glided him
to my entrance
moisture invited him in
no resistance
he tried to be gentle
but the pleasure excited him
he could not control the momentum
he was surprised that all of him
was in all of me
it was pleasurable
pressure
pain that hurts so good
would have stayed all day if i could

MISS YOU

i miss your hugs and kisses
your smiles and laughs
your silly ways
your selfishness
i miss you calling my name
i miss catering to you
i miss all the things about you
that make you..you
i miss you waking me up in the morning
i miss your sloppy ways
i miss our meals together
i miss our togetherness
i love you more
than even i could have imagined

MOMMY misses you babies
i will see you soon!

EYES WIDE OPEN

it was about me
being able to deal with me
i loved one, but he couldn't be mine
then there was the poet
but he was too occupied
with relocating his family
after him was the liar
who also wrote, but of nonsense
but when i stopped and looked around
it was me
it had been me
i had blamed them all for my decisions
had taken the position of the victim
but it wasn't until i decided
that i was worthy
that i was better
that i was more
it was then the i knew
they didn't use me
i used them
i needed them
to show me the light
to allow me to open my eyes
and truly see
i needed them to help me see me
i love me
am in love with me
still working on me
but I'm a great ME!

no regrets...life lessons make me who i am
and i am eminence

JUMPING AND RECOVERING

he asked me to stand on the ledge of life
and let go
he asked me to close my eyes and open my heart
i took a deep breathe and exhaled
i
i
i stepped back
i couldnt do it
i was scared and ashamed
ashamed of my fear
i had done this before
why the nerves now?
he assurred me he would catch me
he told me i should not be concerned with parachutes
he swore he had given me the wings to fly
i tip toed back to the edge
i was up so high
i didnt know whether to turn around and run
or just leap
in an attempt to gather my thoughts
i replayed past experiences
yes i had been here before
i remembered the sensation of the wind in my hair
i recalled how free i had felt in the past

before i knew it
i just let go
i allowed all of the inhibitions to leave me
it was just me and gravity
we seemed to be working together at first
i could feel my emotions embracing my decision
for once my mind and heart agreed
i had lept
i had let go

but low and behold...
i was awakened by this pain deep inside
i did not know what had happened
all i could recall was looking over the edge of this cliff
lost and confused
i was wounded and displaced
couldnt pull myself off the pavement
there was blood everywhere
there was no sign of you anywhere
my worst fear had become reality
you just left me there alone to die
you had coaxed me to the edge
pushed me over the side
you placed weights in my pack instead of a chute
i had to lick my own wounds
mend my broken soul
could not believe i had given you total control
i am disappointed in you
deeply upset
no longer filled with hope
but i wont call it regret
i could never explain
the pain that i felt
looking up from the ground
knowing what you had done
i couldnt understand
nor do i now
why you left me there
alone to die
from the inside out

CHOICES...

i do not have one to make
its never been about a choice
its been you all along
the one who makes me tingle
from miles away
the one whose words
take me to another time and place
the one who touched my soul
even though he has gone away
he continues to touch me everyday
I want to share "American Pie" with you
and show you that it can be love
dont believe for one moment it was anyone
but you...
i was created in his image
in your image
you are my reflection
my direction
and there was never a choice to be made
it has always been you

Comfort

so comfortable in his presence
as if we had met here before
as if
we were here before
his spirit was inviting
his being
took control of my
being
i was comfortable in his presence
we were connected
in ways
more than one
it was his smile
his intellect
his lyrical gift
his eyes
his availability
his strength
his perseverance
coupled with
attitude
confidence
prestige
he was distinguished
handsome
and i was comfortable in his presence
as if we had spend past lives together
as if we were meant to be forever
strange as it may seem
it was never that for me
he was so patient with my heart
took his time with me
he never took me for granted
eternally grateful
i was
i was comfortable in his presence
...on our first encounter

HE RUNS THROUGH ME

he said if it flows let it flow
but if it dont then let it go
he said if its started then dont stop
he said his strengths
should compliment my weaknesses
asked me to close my eyes and jump
so here i stand atop this cliff with everything on the line
i take one step forward and im scared
trembling
confused
confliction runs through me
i contradict myself

i feel him in me
his energy running wild through me
touching me with his presence
his essense
teaching life lessons
making wonderous paths of courage explode
taking control
playing the role of master in charge
its a feeling so extremely large

for this grand audience of one
the intensity
chemistry and energy
run deep within me
i feel him when he is not near
and i hear him just as clear
he sees me nude
without judgement
even through the chaos of the day
he allows me to find my way
straight to that place that he has created for me

its about this passion
the ability to delve into my soul
show my inner being
my emotion is too much to contain
he allows it to flow
excites my pen to write of dreams
aspirations
being a better me
allowing me to see
and believe
making sure tomorrow is better than today
but being certain today i give more than yesterday
he IS inspiration
he IS dedication
he IS strength and admiration
he IS the foundation

he runs through me
as if his energy and mine were one
not making me
but exposing my inner most being
he has shown me how to be
the woman of my dreams
...he runs through me

~tempting~

this pleasure
is my pleasure
his arms around my waist
he licks his lips before he takes me
then whispers love into my ear
so sincere, he takes me there
my inspiration
my sweet temptation
his subtle notion
his committed devotion
he takes pride and time
pleasing every inch of my mind
his eyes wander over me
like i am art created for he
more than lust and passion
we have a stronger reaction
this connection unbroken
it is love and it is unspoken
my body trembles at the thought
giving into urges i previously fought
he is my king - my salvation
i am his queen - his temptation

I DONT WANT...

i dont want to make love
unless we're making love

i dont want to learn
if im not learning from you

i dont want to see
unless i can see you

i dont want to feel
unless i can feel you

i dont want to give
unless im giving to you

i dont want to live
unless im living with you

i dont want to care
unless im caring for you

i dont want to miss you
...
so please never leave

I'VE BEEN FOUND

I prayed for you
asked that higher power for you
described you
wanted you
waited for you
It seems as though the creator was still working
on you
for me

Our first conversation made it clear
Our first encounter sealed the deal
Our first kiss was magic
filled with passion
Our souls collide and mesh
They engulf and press
The energy flows
The feelings grow

Now...
I plan for us
See the future of us
Cant wait to become US

Where you are

that is where i wanna be
missing you missing me
love hasnt gone
still remains
its strong
it remained the same
you still got love for me?
wont be mad if its gone
been through alot
the road was long
still missing you
wont tell you though
but somehow
i know
that you know

circumstance got in the way
of the love we made
a lil more each day
i miss you with all my soul
hoping one day
we find ourselves back in control
in that familiar place
loving you more each day
missing you
loving me
showing me
teaching me

one day i hope to find myself...
where you are

Vicious Cycle

it was never physical
it was never about
running home at lunch
to please you
not about making you climax
with that little thing I do

it was you
it was me
it was us
exposed
it was pure
so pure and real
surreal
for real

i miss the soft
gentle caress
of your hands
i miss the comfort
i felt in your arms
i miss laying there
breathing heavily
sweating
heart racing
after climaxing
just looking at you
thinking
~dam that was great

the thing is
after the climax
after the heart
pounding
blood
racing
after all
was said and done
it was
like clockwork
you
excused yourself
cleaned up
said bitter sweet
goodbyes
you
walked out my door
racing home
to play
house

now, i miss you
but i don't miss that
so when you
think of me
replay the memories
great times
we had
don't feel sad
just know
that this is not
what I wanted
but what had to be
I love you
just couldn't
keep pretending that was ME!

No need to be jealous

I saw it on your face
but baby I belong to you
I saw you cut your eyes
my love devoted only for you
I am here
not going anywhere
you know Im here
my love belongs to you

there is no one
not anything
that could change the way
I feel
I was created for you
dont you see the way
I treat you
when its just the two of us here
dont you know how much
I've wanted
to be the one for you
I waited my turn
and its finally time
to show you
how a woman is supposed
to treat her man

so dont think for one moment
that I have other intentions
I am here for you
I love you baby
never will I be untrue
I will love and cherish you
til the end of my days
baby I love you
and that will
never change
this love is for
...always!

Your offering

i come to this place often
to see if you
have left an offering for me

it pleasures my soul
to know
that we have this place
aside from differences
i come and find pieces of you
here...
it makes my heart smile
places contentness in my soul
knowing you offer yourself
for me to indulge
knowing we should have been better
than this
what we've become
knowing
i wanted more
than what we've become
there were no rules
no judges to decide
like you said before
at least we enjoyed the ride
i just wanted to thank you
for the offering you bring
i will come to collect it
i pray i never reach here
only to find there is nothing

Wish I knew

and so
I
sit here with thoughts of us
I
can not understand
I
dont know if you loved me
I dont know...

I dont know if it was love
or just you making me think it was
-love
I dont know
if you loved me...
that is a f*cked up feeling
I must say
I dont know
I want it to be
that you loved me
I want to say
it all went down that way
I want to think
that you really did
love ME
but the truth is
I dont know.
I dont know
if you were just using me
to pass your time
or if you thought of me
really thought of me
i know what you said
but dont think you ever had
any true feelings
but...
I dont know
dam
I dont know
if the baby is yours
I dont know
if you really dislike her as much as you said
I dont know
if you really loved me
as much as I wanted you to
I dont know
and
not knowing
is a beast
I wish I knew

NOTHING TO OFFER

there is no fight in you
i mean you dont fight for me
to keep me around
you dont tell me to stay
you allowed walking away
but i know why you dont
why you wont
its because you have no grounds
nothing to offer
if i came back
-what would change?
not a thing
if i came back
you would not:
spend the night
hold me tight in the morning's light
be there always and never let go
you could not
so that is why
you say no words
use no verbs
maintain your place
no pleading the case
that is the reason
i said goodbye
GOODBYE

MISSING

not sure if i miss you
or the thought of you
maybe the soft caress of your hands on my body
slowly touching all the intimate places
maybe the soft way you kissed me
until you knew i wanted more intensity
fighting myself daily
wondering if i should call
knowing i dont need to go there
thought i saw your car today
around my way
thought of you being there with me
missing you
maybe i miss you
maybe its just the thought of you
dam this sucks
i will continue to fight
thoughts of you
but i do
miss you

Only for you

got myself a pedicure today
picked up some new pumps today
went by Vicky's
picked out a lil BLACK LACE something today
got my hair done today
i
knew
you
would
come
by
today
when you walked in the door
i lay there on the couch
with black lace and black pumps
tempted you with my new coat of paint
you just smiled
there was nothing left to say
you walked toward me
kissing gently
my neck
my cheek
i just smiled
there was nothing left to say
this was your night
i got up and sat you down
took the bag from your hands
placed the HENNY on the counter
but the strawberries
the whipped cream
those i left out
tonight was your night
we can go in the room later
but i cant wait
i need you now
i've waited all day
as i unzipped your pants
my hands cant get them down fast enough
trying to hurry without being rough
cant wait to place my lips on your love
you have no idea how much i love
IT!
see
what you dont know
is that i love to make you feel good
would do it all day if i could
allowing you to feel the moist embrace
as i slide from the tip to the base
nippling ever so softly right under the rim
licking you from the bottom to the top
making you moan
groan
you place your hand on the back of my head
pulling my locks with each stroke
this is my pleasure
no need for thank you's
i enjoy pleasing and teasing you
any way you want it
your wish is my command
how ever do you want it?
just take me by the hand

Enough

i asked to be in your presence
i asked for your company
i knew you could not get away
i knew you would not make the decision and choose me
i knew that you were busy doing the things
that a spouse does
i knew
i just missed you
i needed you here if only to hold me
for a while
i asked that you choose me
for once
make a decision to be in the arms of me
the one who appreciated you
the one who pleased you
who embraced your creativity
who made you smile
i asked
and you laughed
as if to say
"you know i cant do that"
and that is when i realized
i dont belong here
i dont have you
i had a false image of what i wanted us to be
i had thoughts of what i needed us to be
i wanted and needed for me
a companion
and you...
you were not
and would never be
you told me yourself
remember that day you were being truthful...?
remember how you said you would never choose me
you had to stay
stuck in that place
in that place that held you there
there was never future plans for US
never gonna be an US
so once reality set in
i decided
enough is enough

coming to realize

now i know that you lied
i know that when you said it was bad
it wasn't
when you said she didnt matter
she did
when you said you weren't happy
you were
when you said you had settled
you hadn't
when you said you loved me
you didn't
when you said it would never change
that was the only time you were honest

Just needed to be said...

As time passed I grew closer to you
I wanted you more and more
needed you in my life
felt that I could not be
without you
But then one day I woke up
I realized that it was more than you
it was me
I needed someone to make me
feel like more of a woman
but in doing that
I degraded me
I used you
it was never about us
it was me needing to be
reassured
but times have changed my friend
and I am great
I have realized that I am worthy
I am blessed
I am inspiration
I am changed
I am
knowing that I used you
to get here
makes me feel like I owe you
at least a few words of explanation
you were there when no one else was
for that I THANK YOU!
Im good now though
I am a big girl
walking on my own two
loving this life
loving ME
thanks and I apologize
for any pain that was caused
I'm on my way now
so happy now
getting better
day after day
healing from the inside out
loving this life
and I thank you

Transformation

real thoughts
in this real mind
real feelings
in this place in time
my heart in my hands
this world
my plan
moving forward
at my pace
no longer the rat race
i have evolved
from then to now
changed my course now
positive thoughts
dreams come true
i will see it through
fortune and fame
i was destined for it
making a way
and sure of it
smiling
head held high
staying the course
pushing on through
doing what it is
i gotta do
i am in charge
i determine the fate
i will maintain
keeping my faith
loving this life
living it to the fullest
making a way
no more excuses
one foot down
in front of the other
one step at a time
leading the way
with just today
one day at a time
nothing more powerful
than my mind
me and myself
making through
focused and determined
for all my dreams to come true